1 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Created and Encoded by -- Bokutox -- of www.YIFY-TORRENTS.com. The Best 720p/1080p/3d movies with the lowest file size on the internet. 2 00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:48,123 (TAPPING ON MIC) 3 00:00:48,207 --> 00:00:50,960 RICKY GERVAIS: Testing. Testing. 4 00:00:51,043 --> 00:00:56,507 Testing over the credits. The credits that no one cares about. 5 00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,300 "Ooh, we're the business people. 6 00:00:58,384 --> 00:01:02,346 "Ooh, we want our credit before the film starts, 'cause..." 7 00:01:02,429 --> 00:01:03,639 Anyway. 8 00:01:03,722 --> 00:01:05,933 The story you're about to see takes place in a world 9 00:01:06,016 --> 00:01:09,311 where the human race has never evolved the ability to tell a lie. 10 00:01:09,395 --> 00:01:11,397 This is a typical town in that world. 11 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:16,026 As you can see, people have jobs and cars and houses and families, 12 00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:18,862 but everyone tells the absolute truth. 13 00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:22,700 There's no such thing as deceit or flattery or fiction. 14 00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,910 People say exactly what they think, 15 00:01:24,994 --> 00:01:27,413 and sometimes that can come across as a bit harsh. 16 00:01:27,496 --> 00:01:30,082 But they've got no choice in the matter. It's their nature. 17 00:01:30,165 --> 00:01:32,042 Look, I'm not coming in to work today. 18 00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:34,461 No, I'm not sick. I just hate it there. 19 00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:38,215 Oh, your baby is so ugly. It's like a little rat. 20 00:01:38,841 --> 00:01:43,137 Wow! I just took one of the biggest poops of my whole life. 21 00:01:43,220 --> 00:01:44,305 What are you ordering? 22 00:01:44,388 --> 00:01:47,641 GERVAIS: So if you're a chubby, little loser like this guy, for example, 23 00:01:47,725 --> 00:01:49,351 that's Mark Bellison, by the way, 24 00:01:49,435 --> 00:01:52,897 then you're all alone and at the bottom of the pile. 25 00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:56,191 But later on in the story, his luck's gonna change 26 00:01:56,275 --> 00:01:58,485 when he tells the world's first lie. 27 00:01:58,569 --> 00:02:01,071 He doesn't even know it himself yet. 28 00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:03,282 So look forward to that. 29 00:02:07,620 --> 00:02:08,996 (EXHALES) 30 00:02:13,417 --> 00:02:15,127 Don't blow this. 31 00:02:28,641 --> 00:02:30,142 - Hi! - Hi. 32 00:02:30,226 --> 00:02:31,685 You're early. 33 00:02:31,769 --> 00:02:33,562 I was just masturbating. 34 00:02:33,646 --> 00:02:36,273 That makes me think of your vagina. 35 00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:40,110 I'm Mark. How are you? 36 00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:41,612 A little frustrated at the moment. 37 00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:45,824 Also, equally depressed and pessimistic about our date tonight. 38 00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:47,451 Sure. 39 00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:49,453 I'm Anna. Come on in. 40 00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:53,999 Um... Just wait there. 41 00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,627 I need to finish getting ready. 42 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,546 While doing that, I might realise I'm still horny 43 00:02:58,629 --> 00:03:00,589 and try to finish masturbating without you hearing. 44 00:03:00,673 --> 00:03:02,091 (CHUCKLES) 45 00:03:12,810 --> 00:03:15,020 I feel awkward now about being early. 46 00:03:15,104 --> 00:03:17,398 ANNA: Yeah, I'm disappointed that you're early 47 00:03:17,481 --> 00:03:19,525 and not really looking forward to tonight in general, 48 00:03:19,608 --> 00:03:21,610 but the thought of being alone the rest of my life 49 00:03:21,694 --> 00:03:24,488 scares both my mother and me equally. 50 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:25,948 Sure. 51 00:03:33,789 --> 00:03:35,124 Oh. 52 00:03:37,167 --> 00:03:42,923 I'm thinking you've started masturbating, 'cause it's like it's too quiet. 53 00:03:43,007 --> 00:03:47,011 And you said you were gonna try and do it without me hearing. 54 00:03:50,014 --> 00:03:54,518 I'm worried the restaurant I've picked isn't expensive enough for you. 55 00:03:55,686 --> 00:03:58,272 It's all I can afford 56 00:03:58,355 --> 00:04:00,065 in my situation. 57 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,027 I know I'm in my 40s, 58 00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:06,572 but I haven't got any financial assets to speak of. 59 00:04:07,489 --> 00:04:11,285 Also, my boss said he's probably gonna fire me this week. 60 00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:19,210 Wow! 61 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,711 I just masturbated. 62 00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:23,422 That makes me horny. I hope this date ends in sex. 63 00:04:23,505 --> 00:04:24,757 I don't find you attractive. 64 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:25,925 Oh! 65 00:04:26,759 --> 00:04:28,135 Shall we? 66 00:04:28,719 --> 00:04:29,887 Yeah. 67 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:32,014 - After you. - Thanks. 68 00:04:33,224 --> 00:04:34,516 (SIGHS) 69 00:04:38,604 --> 00:04:41,815 - This is not as nice as I remember it. - What are we gonna talk about? 70 00:04:41,899 --> 00:04:44,109 Hi. I'm threatened by you. 71 00:04:44,193 --> 00:04:46,987 Mark Bellison. Table for two. 72 00:04:47,071 --> 00:04:49,156 Of course. Come with me. 73 00:04:53,869 --> 00:04:55,579 MARK: Thank you. 74 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:57,498 Thank you. 75 00:04:58,249 --> 00:05:00,668 - Plastic. - I'm very embarrassed I work here. 76 00:05:00,751 --> 00:05:02,127 - Hi. - Hi. 77 00:05:02,211 --> 00:05:04,547 - Hello. - And you're very pretty. 78 00:05:04,964 --> 00:05:06,006 That only makes this worse. 79 00:05:06,090 --> 00:05:08,342 (CLEARS THROAT) Can I get you two started on some drinks? 80 00:05:08,425 --> 00:05:10,302 - ANNA: Yes. - I'll have a Budweiser, please. 81 00:05:10,386 --> 00:05:12,388 I'll have a mango margarita, 82 00:05:12,471 --> 00:05:16,016 and I'll probably have three more drinks by the end of the night. 83 00:05:17,101 --> 00:05:18,519 - Your sister? - No. 84 00:05:18,602 --> 00:05:20,229 - Daughter? - No. 85 00:05:20,312 --> 00:05:21,438 She's way out of your league. 86 00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:22,565 (STAMMERS) 87 00:05:22,648 --> 00:05:24,066 Thank you. 88 00:05:31,323 --> 00:05:32,950 Shall I ask you some questions about yourself? 89 00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,201 Yes. 90 00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,287 How do you spend your days? 91 00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:37,538 I get up at 8:00 in the morning 92 00:05:37,621 --> 00:05:39,665 because the noise from my alarm clock interrupts my sleep. 93 00:05:39,748 --> 00:05:42,585 And I lean over and just turn it off. 94 00:05:42,668 --> 00:05:44,920 Turn it off. That's more specific than I thought. 95 00:05:45,004 --> 00:05:46,422 - Oh. What did you want to know? - Just... 96 00:05:46,505 --> 00:05:49,550 - Well, do you have a job? - I have a job in an office. 97 00:05:49,633 --> 00:05:50,926 - What do you do? - I'm an executive. 98 00:05:51,010 --> 00:05:52,136 - Do you enjoy that? - No. 99 00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:54,263 - Oh! - But I enjoy the end result of the job, 100 00:05:54,346 --> 00:05:55,890 which is money. 101 00:05:55,973 --> 00:05:58,767 And also the hours are pretty good for the amount of money I make, 102 00:05:58,851 --> 00:06:02,730 which I spend on things I like, such as clothes and hiking and drinking, 103 00:06:02,813 --> 00:06:04,732 even though I know it's bad for me. 104 00:06:04,815 --> 00:06:08,360 But I'd rather just get all the money and not have to work for the results. 105 00:06:08,444 --> 00:06:09,820 Oh, sure. 106 00:06:10,779 --> 00:06:12,740 Tell me something about you, though. 107 00:06:12,823 --> 00:06:14,742 You already know a lot about me. 108 00:06:14,825 --> 00:06:18,495 You know I'm good-looking because, well, here I am. 109 00:06:18,954 --> 00:06:20,497 And you know that I'm successful 110 00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:23,959 because you've seen my apartment and the clothes that I'm wearing. 111 00:06:24,043 --> 00:06:27,296 And you know I'm happy because I'm smiling. 112 00:06:27,379 --> 00:06:29,590 - Are you always happy? - Usually. 113 00:06:29,673 --> 00:06:32,676 Some days I stay in bed, eating and crying. 114 00:06:35,888 --> 00:06:37,264 - There you go. - Thank you. 115 00:06:37,348 --> 00:06:41,435 - I had a little sip of this from right there, so... - Okay. 116 00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:45,272 You guys ready to order or do you need a moment? 117 00:06:45,356 --> 00:06:46,690 I'm good. 118 00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:50,361 Oh! I'll have the Caesar salad with chicken because I think I'm fat, 119 00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:53,280 but I also think I deserve something that tastes good. 120 00:06:53,364 --> 00:06:56,033 I'll have the fish tacos 'cause it's what I had last time I was here. 121 00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,785 It's all I know. 122 00:06:58,452 --> 00:07:00,829 Great. I'll get those two started. 123 00:07:00,913 --> 00:07:02,665 If I gave you my number, would you call me? 124 00:07:02,748 --> 00:07:03,874 No. 125 00:07:04,959 --> 00:07:06,085 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 126 00:07:06,168 --> 00:07:07,878 Sorry. It's my mom. 127 00:07:07,962 --> 00:07:11,298 I think she's probably checking on the date. It won't take long. 128 00:07:11,382 --> 00:07:12,633 Hello. 129 00:07:13,092 --> 00:07:14,927 Yes, I'm with him right now. 130 00:07:15,553 --> 00:07:19,098 No, not very attractive. No, doesn't make much money. 131 00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:22,685 It's all right, though. Seems nice. Kind of funny. 132 00:07:22,768 --> 00:07:24,186 A bit fat. 133 00:07:24,687 --> 00:07:28,315 Has a funny little snub nose. 134 00:07:28,399 --> 00:07:29,608 (EXCLAIMS) 135 00:07:29,692 --> 00:07:33,237 Kind of like a frog in the facial area. 136 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:34,488 Yeah, but... 137 00:07:34,572 --> 00:07:36,699 No, I won't be sleeping with him tonight. 138 00:07:36,782 --> 00:07:39,118 No. Probably not even a kiss. 139 00:07:39,535 --> 00:07:42,454 Okay. You, too. Bye. Sorry about that. 140 00:07:42,538 --> 00:07:45,207 It's all right. Don't think twice. How is your mum, all right? 141 00:07:45,291 --> 00:07:47,960 - She's all right... - Great. That's... 142 00:07:53,924 --> 00:07:57,136 Thanks for going on this date with me. 143 00:07:57,595 --> 00:08:01,181 You're way out of my league, and I know you only did it as a favour to Greg 144 00:08:01,265 --> 00:08:04,768 and I'll probably never hear from you again, but... 145 00:08:05,144 --> 00:08:08,272 I had a better time than I thought I'd have. 146 00:08:08,731 --> 00:08:11,901 But I won't really know how I feel about you till I'm a little less drunk. 147 00:08:11,984 --> 00:08:13,193 - Sure. - Yeah. 148 00:08:13,277 --> 00:08:17,323 Well, call me tomorrow if you still like me when you're sober. 149 00:08:17,823 --> 00:08:18,991 I might. 150 00:08:19,074 --> 00:08:21,535 Oh! Thank you for kissing me on the cheek. 151 00:08:21,619 --> 00:08:25,748 I know you didn't have to do... You're very pretty! Good night! 152 00:08:28,584 --> 00:08:32,463 MAN: (ON TV)... first used roughly 4,000 years ago on Celtic chariots, 153 00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:39,261 was, for the most part, unchanged by man until the late 1800s. 154 00:08:41,013 --> 00:08:43,849 Hi, I'm Bob. I'm the spokesperson for The Coca-Cola Company. 155 00:08:43,933 --> 00:08:46,393 I'm here today to ask you to continue buying Coke. 156 00:08:46,477 --> 00:08:48,020 I'm sure it's the drink you've been drinking for years 157 00:08:48,103 --> 00:08:49,647 and if you still enjoy it, well, I'd like to remind you 158 00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,190 to buy it again sometime soon. 159 00:08:51,941 --> 00:08:53,609 It's basically just brown sugar water. 160 00:08:53,692 --> 00:08:55,069 Haven't changed the ingredients much lately, 161 00:08:55,152 --> 00:08:57,196 so there's nothing new I can tell you about that. 162 00:08:57,279 --> 00:08:59,156 Changed the can around a little bit, though. 163 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:00,783 You can see the colours are different there, 164 00:09:00,866 --> 00:09:02,993 and we've added a polar bear, so the kids like us. 165 00:09:03,077 --> 00:09:05,788 Coke's very high in sugar, and like any high-calorie soda, 166 00:09:05,871 --> 00:09:09,333 it can lead to obesity in children and adults who don't sustain a very healthy diet. 167 00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:12,086 And that's it. It's Coke. It's very famous. Everyone knows it. 168 00:09:12,169 --> 00:09:15,631 I'm Bob. I work for Coke. And I'm asking you to not stop buying Coke. 169 00:09:15,714 --> 00:09:17,007 That's all. 170 00:09:17,091 --> 00:09:18,133 (SLURPING) 171 00:09:19,009 --> 00:09:20,761 It's a bit sweet. 172 00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:22,012 Thank you. 173 00:09:33,857 --> 00:09:35,776 (ELEVATOR DINGS) 174 00:09:38,862 --> 00:09:40,614 Hold the elevator. 175 00:09:41,198 --> 00:09:44,952 - Hey, Mark. How's it going? - Hi, Frank. Not too well. 176 00:09:45,035 --> 00:09:48,539 I went on a date last night with a girl I've had a crush on for years, 177 00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:50,207 and she'll most likely never call me again. 178 00:09:50,291 --> 00:09:54,712 Oh, and I think I'm getting fired today. How about you? 179 00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:58,757 Oh, I'm not too great, actually. 180 00:09:58,841 --> 00:10:00,467 I've been throwing up painkillers all night 181 00:10:00,551 --> 00:10:05,014 because I'm too afraid to take enough to actually kill myself, so... 182 00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:07,391 (ELEVATOR DINGS) 183 00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:10,060 See you tomorrow. 184 00:10:11,020 --> 00:10:14,064 If I'm not dead, then sure. 185 00:10:15,566 --> 00:10:17,526 - Good. That's settled, then. - All right. Have a nice day. 186 00:10:17,610 --> 00:10:18,694 MARK: Cheers. 187 00:10:36,629 --> 00:10:40,341 This isn't natural! None of this is natural! We're all animals! 188 00:10:40,424 --> 00:10:43,427 Why am I wearing clothes? How do you people live like this? 189 00:10:43,552 --> 00:10:45,971 Why is there all this concrete? 190 00:10:46,055 --> 00:10:48,766 I woke up this morning and realised, not only do I not love you, 191 00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:51,352 but also the thought of sleeping with you sickens me. 192 00:10:51,435 --> 00:10:54,146 That should make me not love you, but it only makes me love you more. 193 00:10:54,230 --> 00:10:55,272 (GROANS IN FRUSTRATION) 194 00:11:06,283 --> 00:11:10,621 I just don't want to go in there today. I just don't, you know? 195 00:11:12,081 --> 00:11:17,127 All of Lecture Films' productions are written, filmed and edited on this very lot. 196 00:11:17,211 --> 00:11:21,173 In fact, this building is where Lecture Films' talented writers 197 00:11:21,257 --> 00:11:25,135 scour the world's past events for the most dramatic, 198 00:11:25,219 --> 00:11:28,722 entertaining and even hilarious moments from world history, 199 00:11:28,806 --> 00:11:32,893 which are then turned into scripts, handed over to our world-famous readers 200 00:11:32,977 --> 00:11:37,189 to read off of teleprompters and then filmed for your viewing pleasure. 201 00:11:37,273 --> 00:11:40,568 Now, if you'll just follow me over here, I will give you a sneak peek 202 00:11:40,651 --> 00:11:43,821 of Lecture Films' upcoming summer blockbuster, 203 00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:47,575 Napoleon: 1812 to 1813. 204 00:11:48,701 --> 00:11:50,828 MALE NARRATOR: Coming soon from Lecture Films, 205 00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:55,374 screenplay by Brad Kessler and starring Nathan Goldfrappe, 206 00:11:55,457 --> 00:11:59,086 Napoleon: 1812 to 1813. 207 00:11:59,169 --> 00:12:03,007 And so Napoleon invaded Russia 208 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:07,219 with a brute force of nearly 700,000 men behind him, 209 00:12:07,303 --> 00:12:11,807 armed with muskets and supported by cannon brigades. 210 00:12:11,891 --> 00:12:14,810 Crippled by disease and hunger, 211 00:12:14,894 --> 00:12:17,771 Napoleon's men persevered. 212 00:12:17,855 --> 00:12:19,648 It was then that... 213 00:12:19,732 --> 00:12:20,816 Oh, look, everyone. 214 00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:24,403 There's Mark Bellison, one of Lecture Films' very own screenwriters. 215 00:12:24,486 --> 00:12:27,990 Mark is one of Lecture Films' least successful screenwriters. 216 00:12:28,073 --> 00:12:30,701 I also hear he's most likely getting fired today. 217 00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:31,952 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 218 00:12:32,036 --> 00:12:34,914 Let's go to the editing bay, where we can watch them put the final touches 219 00:12:34,997 --> 00:12:39,460 on the upcoming Lecture Films feature, The Invention of the Fork. Right this way. 220 00:12:39,543 --> 00:12:40,628 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 221 00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:51,972 Morning, Shelley. 222 00:12:52,056 --> 00:12:53,098 Hi, Mark. 223 00:12:53,182 --> 00:12:56,393 I realise more and more every day how overqualified I am for this position 224 00:12:56,477 --> 00:12:59,230 and how incompetent you are at yours. 225 00:12:59,730 --> 00:13:00,814 Any messages? 226 00:13:00,898 --> 00:13:04,526 Anthony is coming up within the hour to see if he can get up the courage to fire you. 227 00:13:04,610 --> 00:13:07,363 If he can't, he said that he'll definitely do it tomorrow. 228 00:13:07,446 --> 00:13:09,865 Anything else? Any messages not to do with being fired? 229 00:13:09,949 --> 00:13:11,825 Well, I told everyone you're getting fired this week 230 00:13:11,909 --> 00:13:13,452 and they shouldn't expect their calls returned, 231 00:13:13,536 --> 00:13:14,912 so no one left any messages. 232 00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:16,789 Okay. Next time... 233 00:13:16,872 --> 00:13:18,624 I don't think there'll be a next time. 234 00:13:18,707 --> 00:13:20,751 ...take the message, just in case I don't get fired. 235 00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:22,002 You're almost definitely getting fired. 236 00:13:22,086 --> 00:13:24,421 Yeah, but I'm still here now, so... 237 00:13:24,505 --> 00:13:25,798 Seems like a waste of time. 238 00:13:25,881 --> 00:13:26,966 No, it's not. 239 00:13:27,049 --> 00:13:30,719 You're getting paid for it, so let's take the message in case I don't get... 240 00:13:30,803 --> 00:13:32,721 - But everyone knows that you are. - Hasn't happened yet. 241 00:13:32,805 --> 00:13:35,349 Okay. But everyone knows you are. 242 00:13:37,142 --> 00:13:39,645 I'll be in the office, don't... 243 00:13:39,728 --> 00:13:42,022 Okay. I'll be searching for new jobs on Craigslist. 244 00:13:42,106 --> 00:13:43,899 You should probably just get on with your work. 245 00:13:43,983 --> 00:13:45,985 SHELLEY: No, thank you! 246 00:14:03,586 --> 00:14:05,337 Anthony? 247 00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:14,013 Come in. What? 248 00:14:18,392 --> 00:14:19,727 Come in. 249 00:14:23,772 --> 00:14:27,318 Well, you look really depressed today. That's gonna make this so much harder. 250 00:14:27,401 --> 00:14:29,236 - Anthony, don't fire me. - Oh, Mark. 251 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,238 The 1300s, they're so boring. 252 00:14:31,322 --> 00:14:35,993 And the last two scripts you turned in were depressing. 253 00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:37,536 They were about the Black Plague. 254 00:14:37,620 --> 00:14:39,872 It's the 1300s. What am I meant to write about? 255 00:14:39,955 --> 00:14:43,375 It's not totally your fault, Mark. You got stuck with a tough century. 256 00:14:43,459 --> 00:14:45,961 - No, no, I can make it work. - Mark. 257 00:14:46,045 --> 00:14:47,421 Just give it up. 258 00:14:47,504 --> 00:14:50,799 Nothing new is gonna have happened in the 1300s. 259 00:14:50,883 --> 00:14:54,637 At Lecture Films, we just want to take the big-name readers of the day 260 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:59,141 and have them read the stories that people know and love. 261 00:14:59,934 --> 00:15:01,477 I'm having... 262 00:15:02,353 --> 00:15:04,438 Can I... Do you mind if I... 263 00:15:04,521 --> 00:15:06,190 - I come back and do this tomorrow? - Oh, well... 264 00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:10,444 No, I just got nervous about firing you. I just don't do well with confrontation. 265 00:15:10,528 --> 00:15:13,822 Hey, maybe... Maybe if I just sleep on it. 266 00:15:13,906 --> 00:15:16,617 Well, then I'll be thinking, "Will he fire me, won't he fire me?" 267 00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:19,662 - You're fired. - I am fired, yeah? 'Cause I sort of... 268 00:15:19,745 --> 00:15:21,956 Yeah. Oh, boy. 269 00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:24,833 (COMPUTER CHIMES) 270 00:15:26,544 --> 00:15:27,836 (SIGHS) 271 00:15:28,921 --> 00:15:31,507 ANNA: Mark, I woke up this morning, sober, and realised that, 272 00:15:31,590 --> 00:15:33,175 while I did enjoy your company, 273 00:15:33,259 --> 00:15:36,470 based on your looks, your financial situation and your position in life, 274 00:15:36,554 --> 00:15:38,556 I have no interest in you romantically. 275 00:15:38,639 --> 00:15:40,975 I'm just too far out of your league. Anna. 276 00:15:41,058 --> 00:15:42,810 (GROANING) 277 00:15:42,893 --> 00:15:44,812 Is that 'cause you just got fired? 278 00:15:44,895 --> 00:15:47,940 And 'cause I just got an e-mail from a woman who... 279 00:15:48,023 --> 00:15:52,486 Yeah, my favourite part was when she said it was based on your looks. 280 00:15:53,028 --> 00:15:54,488 You read my e-mail? 281 00:15:54,572 --> 00:15:56,532 Yeah. Everyone's read it. 282 00:15:56,615 --> 00:15:58,784 It's the best one you've had all year. 283 00:15:58,868 --> 00:16:00,244 Not for me. 284 00:16:00,578 --> 00:16:02,913 I'm gonna get a snack. Do you want a snack? 285 00:16:14,008 --> 00:16:15,342 So? 286 00:16:15,426 --> 00:16:19,138 I loathed almost every minute that I worked for you. 287 00:16:20,306 --> 00:16:21,891 So, what are you gonna do now? 288 00:16:23,267 --> 00:16:24,602 I don't know. 289 00:16:24,685 --> 00:16:26,770 But I don't hold out much hope for the future. 290 00:16:26,854 --> 00:16:29,815 I don't have a lot of hope for you either, but I wish you good luck. 291 00:16:29,899 --> 00:16:31,442 - Bye, Mark. - Bye, Shelley. 292 00:16:31,525 --> 00:16:32,610 - Mark! - Yeah? 293 00:16:32,693 --> 00:16:34,361 - Do you mind if I talk to you for a second? - No. 294 00:16:34,445 --> 00:16:36,655 - I heard the news they were firing you, huh? - Yeah. 295 00:16:36,739 --> 00:16:39,408 - That must be hard. - Yeah. 296 00:16:39,491 --> 00:16:42,578 Well, I just wanted to say goodbye, and I've always hated you. 297 00:16:42,661 --> 00:16:44,371 - You've always... - Hated you. 298 00:16:44,455 --> 00:16:47,082 - I didn't know that. - Yeah, a lot of people knew it. 299 00:16:47,166 --> 00:16:49,501 - What, you told other people you hated me? - Yeah. 300 00:16:49,585 --> 00:16:51,253 I even turned some people against you. 301 00:16:51,337 --> 00:16:53,464 Is that why you came over to talk to me? To tell me you hated me? 302 00:16:53,547 --> 00:16:55,925 No, I came to say goodbye to you, 303 00:16:56,008 --> 00:16:57,426 and the rest of it just sort of happened on its own. 304 00:16:57,509 --> 00:16:59,011 Came out, yeah, sure. 305 00:16:59,094 --> 00:17:02,890 I always knew that the Black Plague would never work as a movie. 306 00:17:02,973 --> 00:17:06,060 You're an awful writer, assigned to an awful century. 307 00:17:06,143 --> 00:17:07,978 And you're a little man-bitch. 308 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:09,688 (MOUTHING) Man-bitch. 309 00:17:09,772 --> 00:17:13,567 But I've always been threatened by you 310 00:17:13,651 --> 00:17:15,945 because there's something about you that I don't understand, 311 00:17:16,028 --> 00:17:18,364 and I hate things that I don't understand. 312 00:17:18,447 --> 00:17:20,908 But you'll always be a loser. 313 00:17:20,991 --> 00:17:23,702 And I'll always be more successful than you in nearly every way, 314 00:17:23,786 --> 00:17:25,621 and that's just the way it is. 315 00:17:25,704 --> 00:17:27,957 Oh, and Shelley thinks you're an overweight homosexual. 316 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,751 - No, I never said that. - Thank you. 317 00:17:30,834 --> 00:17:32,127 I said, " Fat faggot. 318 00:17:33,212 --> 00:17:34,880 "Fatty, fat faggot." 319 00:17:34,964 --> 00:17:36,048 I stand corrected. 320 00:17:36,131 --> 00:17:37,508 And I was upset with "overweight homosexual." 321 00:17:37,591 --> 00:17:39,260 Doesn't matter. Either way, you're a dumpy little queer. 322 00:17:39,343 --> 00:17:40,386 (EXCLAIMS) 323 00:17:40,469 --> 00:17:43,514 Mark, try to enjoy your loser life. 324 00:17:44,557 --> 00:17:45,641 (EXHALES) 325 00:17:45,724 --> 00:17:46,767 SHELLEY: He's awesome. 326 00:17:46,850 --> 00:17:48,227 Well, no. 327 00:17:48,894 --> 00:17:50,896 Your opinion. Bye, Shelley. 328 00:17:50,980 --> 00:17:53,566 I look forward to never seeing you. 329 00:18:05,828 --> 00:18:09,123 NURSE: Mrs Johnson, you have got to take your medicine. 330 00:18:13,127 --> 00:18:16,922 - Hi. - Are you here to abandon an elderly person? 331 00:18:17,006 --> 00:18:20,259 I already have. Martha Bellison, I'm her son. 332 00:18:20,342 --> 00:18:22,553 Ooh, it's good you're here. She's not doing well. 333 00:18:22,636 --> 00:18:24,305 You should say your final goodbyes today. 334 00:18:24,388 --> 00:18:26,807 Yeah. Someone says that to me every time I come here. 335 00:18:26,891 --> 00:18:29,518 She's at the top of our death pool. 336 00:18:37,735 --> 00:18:38,944 You look like my dead son! 337 00:18:39,028 --> 00:18:41,488 Each day is worse than the last. 338 00:18:42,198 --> 00:18:45,993 I'm on pills that make everything orange! 339 00:18:47,786 --> 00:18:50,623 (STATIC CRACKLING) 340 00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:58,797 Oh, Mum, this is so depressing. At least look out of the window. 341 00:18:58,881 --> 00:19:00,174 Telly's broken. 342 00:19:00,257 --> 00:19:01,300 It's not broken. 343 00:19:01,383 --> 00:19:03,761 You probably sat on the remote and changed the channel again. 344 00:19:03,844 --> 00:19:04,887 Yeah, you have, look. 345 00:19:04,970 --> 00:19:07,306 Gotta put it on channel three for the satellite to work. 346 00:19:07,389 --> 00:19:10,434 I don't understand anything you just said. 347 00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:12,895 That makes me scared and angry. 348 00:19:12,978 --> 00:19:14,021 (SIGHS) 349 00:19:14,104 --> 00:19:15,814 Lost my job today, Mum. 350 00:19:15,898 --> 00:19:19,360 I'm in my 40s, and I'm alone with no prospects. 351 00:19:19,443 --> 00:19:23,489 Things aren't much better for me here. But could be worse. 352 00:19:23,948 --> 00:19:25,866 We could be homeless. 353 00:19:26,242 --> 00:19:29,078 Don't you wish you could change things? 354 00:19:29,662 --> 00:19:32,540 Don't you wish you weren't such a loser? 355 00:19:33,123 --> 00:19:35,042 Well, I don't think I'm a loser. 356 00:19:35,125 --> 00:19:36,377 You are, Mum. Definitely. 357 00:19:36,460 --> 00:19:39,129 We come from a long line of losers. It's not your fault. 358 00:19:39,213 --> 00:19:40,673 You're a... 359 00:19:41,340 --> 00:19:42,675 A loser. 360 00:19:43,717 --> 00:19:45,636 I love you, Mark. 361 00:19:45,719 --> 00:19:46,971 I love you, too, Mum. 362 00:19:47,054 --> 00:19:49,848 Good luck with finding a job, eh? 363 00:19:49,932 --> 00:19:51,267 I'll go. 364 00:19:51,559 --> 00:19:52,893 (INHALES DEEPLY) 365 00:19:52,977 --> 00:19:54,311 (STATIC CRACKLING) 366 00:19:54,395 --> 00:19:55,604 Oops. 367 00:19:56,605 --> 00:19:58,023 (ALARM BEEPING) 368 00:19:58,107 --> 00:19:59,650 MARK: Shut up! 369 00:19:59,733 --> 00:20:01,777 Haven't even got a job. 370 00:20:03,279 --> 00:20:05,072 (POUNDING ON DOOR) 371 00:20:05,281 --> 00:20:06,574 (SIGHS) 372 00:20:11,287 --> 00:20:13,247 - Hi. - I'm here for the rent. 373 00:20:13,330 --> 00:20:15,749 Yeah, I was gonna come and talk to you today. I got fired yesterday. 374 00:20:15,833 --> 00:20:18,043 I know. That's why I'm here for the rent. 375 00:20:19,169 --> 00:20:21,463 - Yeah, I haven't got it. - How much do you have? 376 00:20:21,547 --> 00:20:23,340 I got about $300 left in my bank account. 377 00:20:23,424 --> 00:20:26,343 - The rent's 800. - I know. I haven't got that. 378 00:20:26,677 --> 00:20:30,222 Then you're evicted. You got one day to get your stuff out of here. 379 00:20:31,473 --> 00:20:32,516 Well, how am I gonna do that? 380 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,810 You got $300. Rent a truck. 381 00:20:41,609 --> 00:20:43,194 What can I do for you today, sir? 382 00:20:43,277 --> 00:20:45,613 Just been evicted from my apartment. 383 00:20:45,696 --> 00:20:49,575 So I have to withdraw whatever I've got in my account to move my things out. 384 00:20:49,658 --> 00:20:51,952 Think I have to close my account. 385 00:20:52,036 --> 00:20:54,955 Probably gonna be homeless. Mark Bellison. 386 00:20:55,039 --> 00:20:57,374 Unfortunately, sir, the system is down right now, 387 00:20:57,458 --> 00:21:00,961 so I'm not gonna be able to perform an account closure until it's back up. 388 00:21:01,045 --> 00:21:04,006 But I can help you with a withdrawal. How much would you like to withdraw today? 389 00:21:04,089 --> 00:21:06,842 - All of it. Whatever's left. - The system is down, sir. 390 00:21:06,926 --> 00:21:09,970 Can you tell me how much is in your account? 391 00:21:11,931 --> 00:21:13,098 Sir? 392 00:21:16,727 --> 00:21:18,604 MARK: $800. 393 00:21:23,108 --> 00:21:24,276 Sir? 394 00:21:25,694 --> 00:21:27,655 - $800. - Pardon me? 395 00:21:27,738 --> 00:21:29,490 I have $800 in my account. 396 00:21:29,573 --> 00:21:30,616 (COMPUTER CHIMES) 397 00:21:30,699 --> 00:21:33,077 Oh! The system just came back up. 398 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:34,995 - System seems to be back up, guys. - MAN: Thanks, Jill. 399 00:21:35,079 --> 00:21:39,375 Just a second while I access your account. You said you were withdrawing 800, correct? 400 00:21:39,458 --> 00:21:41,293 Wait a second. 401 00:21:41,377 --> 00:21:44,380 It says here that you only have $300 in your account, 402 00:21:44,463 --> 00:21:46,882 but you said you wanted to withdraw 800? 403 00:21:46,966 --> 00:21:48,300 Yeah. 404 00:21:48,384 --> 00:21:49,677 I apologise, sir. 405 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:52,555 It seems our system has made a mistake. Let's get you your $800. 406 00:21:52,638 --> 00:21:55,224 Did you want large bills or small? 407 00:21:55,849 --> 00:21:58,477 - Bills, large. - All right, here you go. 408 00:21:58,561 --> 00:22:03,566 That's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, $800. 409 00:22:03,649 --> 00:22:05,526 Is there anything else I can do for you today, sir? 410 00:22:05,609 --> 00:22:06,652 Uh-uh! 411 00:22:06,735 --> 00:22:08,112 Sorry for the inconvenience. 412 00:22:08,195 --> 00:22:09,572 (MUMBLES) 413 00:22:40,644 --> 00:22:43,606 - What are you doing here? - Paying my rent. 414 00:22:56,827 --> 00:22:58,162 Come on! 415 00:22:58,329 --> 00:23:00,289 (EXCLAIMING GLEEFULLY) 416 00:23:00,915 --> 00:23:05,961 MARK: Today, I stumbled upon something that no man has ever stumbled on before. 417 00:23:06,045 --> 00:23:09,757 What I've done, they'll write about in history books for generations to come. 418 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:15,471 And yet, moments ago, it was unfathomable, not only to myself but to mankind as a whole. 419 00:23:15,554 --> 00:23:16,764 It's hard to describe. 420 00:23:17,223 --> 00:23:21,101 And it was as easy as... How do I explain this? 421 00:23:21,185 --> 00:23:24,563 I said something that wasn't. 422 00:23:25,981 --> 00:23:27,149 Huh? 423 00:23:27,858 --> 00:23:31,904 I said something that wasn't. I... 424 00:23:32,446 --> 00:23:34,698 What's the word for it? There is no word for it. 425 00:23:34,782 --> 00:23:37,368 Of course there isn't. I invented it. 426 00:23:38,410 --> 00:23:40,120 Watch this. Jim! 427 00:23:43,791 --> 00:23:45,000 What? 428 00:23:46,126 --> 00:23:48,254 My name is Doug. 429 00:23:50,464 --> 00:23:52,716 - Your name is Doug? - Hi, Doug. 430 00:23:53,050 --> 00:23:58,097 That's so weird I never knew your real name. Doug is good. It suits you. 431 00:23:59,098 --> 00:24:00,432 Come on! 432 00:24:01,308 --> 00:24:02,351 What's my name? 433 00:24:02,434 --> 00:24:03,686 - It's Doug. - Doug. 434 00:24:03,769 --> 00:24:06,063 No, it's not! It's Mark! 435 00:24:06,146 --> 00:24:08,107 - Your name is Mark? - Hi, Mark. 436 00:24:08,190 --> 00:24:10,818 - Mark suits you even better. - Marko. 437 00:24:12,027 --> 00:24:14,321 Okay, you're not getting it. 438 00:24:14,655 --> 00:24:15,906 Marko. 439 00:24:17,074 --> 00:24:19,118 - I'm black. - I knew it. 440 00:24:19,201 --> 00:24:20,995 You're very light-skinned, but I can see it. 441 00:24:21,078 --> 00:24:24,039 - I always wanted a black friend. - Me, too. 442 00:24:24,248 --> 00:24:25,541 I'm an Eskimo. 443 00:24:25,624 --> 00:24:26,709 Fantastic! 444 00:24:26,792 --> 00:24:28,210 Yeah, I've never seen a black Eskimo. 445 00:24:28,294 --> 00:24:29,378 I'm a pirate. 446 00:24:29,461 --> 00:24:31,839 - I didn't know they still had those. - Are you a dangerous pirate? 447 00:24:31,922 --> 00:24:34,216 I'm a lion tamer, and I'm wearing a wig. 448 00:24:34,300 --> 00:24:36,010 Aren't you scared you'll get bitten one day? 449 00:24:36,093 --> 00:24:37,553 That's a fantastic wig. 450 00:24:37,636 --> 00:24:39,763 - I invented the bicycle. - I love your work. 451 00:24:39,847 --> 00:24:41,807 Can I get a discount on a ten-speed? 452 00:24:41,891 --> 00:24:44,643 I'm a one-armed German space explorer. 453 00:24:44,727 --> 00:24:45,811 When's your launch date? 454 00:24:45,895 --> 00:24:46,937 (JIM GREETS IN GERMAN) 455 00:24:47,021 --> 00:24:48,981 That's a very lifelike prosthetic. 456 00:24:49,064 --> 00:24:50,774 This is incredible. 457 00:24:50,858 --> 00:24:53,736 Come on, let's up the stakes a little bit. Come on. 458 00:24:53,819 --> 00:24:57,531 If you could make the world the way you wanted it to be, 459 00:24:59,366 --> 00:25:00,409 what would you do? 460 00:25:00,492 --> 00:25:05,247 If you could change anything, if you could do anything, 461 00:25:05,331 --> 00:25:06,999 what's the first thing you'd do? 462 00:25:07,082 --> 00:25:08,709 If I could do anything? 463 00:25:08,792 --> 00:25:10,377 Anything at all? 464 00:25:10,461 --> 00:25:12,171 Anything at all. 465 00:25:14,882 --> 00:25:17,134 I would touch girls' boobs. 466 00:25:17,218 --> 00:25:18,385 Yes. 467 00:25:20,721 --> 00:25:22,056 And maybe have sex with them, too. 468 00:25:22,139 --> 00:25:24,099 Oh, agreed. That, too. 469 00:25:26,727 --> 00:25:28,646 Okay. Let's try that. 470 00:25:31,357 --> 00:25:33,526 - Where are you going? - Out. 471 00:25:51,252 --> 00:25:52,753 Don't look at me. I'm not attracted to you. 472 00:25:52,836 --> 00:25:55,005 - No, listen. - Don't bother. I've heard it all before. 473 00:25:55,089 --> 00:25:58,551 The world's gonna end unless we have sex right now! 474 00:26:01,387 --> 00:26:05,808 Do we have time to get to a motel, or do we need to do it right here? 475 00:26:09,395 --> 00:26:10,646 Motel. 476 00:26:14,358 --> 00:26:15,442 WOMAN: Help me get my dress off. 477 00:26:15,526 --> 00:26:17,319 Hold on, wait, wait. Let's get to know each other first. 478 00:26:17,403 --> 00:26:19,738 No! We have to have sex. The world is going to end! 479 00:26:19,822 --> 00:26:20,906 I don't even know your... 480 00:26:20,990 --> 00:26:22,700 Think of the children! Think of the little babies. 481 00:26:22,783 --> 00:26:25,494 Let's have a drink. You look like you'd like a... 482 00:26:25,578 --> 00:26:27,955 - $10 for a beer. That is... - Don't you understand? 483 00:26:28,038 --> 00:26:30,082 - We are all going to die! - This isn't right. 484 00:26:30,165 --> 00:26:32,126 Well, of course this isn't right, the world is going to end! 485 00:26:32,209 --> 00:26:33,460 We have to have sex right now! 486 00:26:33,544 --> 00:26:36,714 Oh, hold on. Hi, NASA. Yeah, it's me. 487 00:26:37,214 --> 00:26:38,799 (EXCLAIMS QUESTIONINGLY) 488 00:26:38,883 --> 00:26:41,010 I'll let her know. That is good news. 489 00:26:41,093 --> 00:26:42,553 - Now. - Thank you. 490 00:26:43,220 --> 00:26:44,597 World's not gonna end. We don't have to... 491 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:47,266 - (GASPS) We're gonna live! ...sex. 492 00:26:47,558 --> 00:26:49,518 We're gonna live! 493 00:26:49,602 --> 00:26:52,313 Thank you! Oh, thank you! 494 00:26:55,399 --> 00:26:57,651 - I've gotta go. - Can't you stay? 495 00:26:57,735 --> 00:27:00,154 We've been through so much together. 496 00:27:00,237 --> 00:27:01,280 (DOOR CLOSES) 497 00:27:08,579 --> 00:27:12,249 Well, that was one of the worst experiences of my life. 498 00:27:12,666 --> 00:27:15,252 Did you invent a new kind of bike? 499 00:27:15,336 --> 00:27:18,672 What else would you do? If you could do anything. 500 00:27:19,757 --> 00:27:22,009 - Boob. - No, we've done boobs. 501 00:27:22,551 --> 00:27:24,970 What's the next thing you'd do? 502 00:27:26,388 --> 00:27:29,391 - Eh? - Well, what would you do? 503 00:27:31,852 --> 00:27:33,437 I'd get money. 504 00:27:35,189 --> 00:27:37,149 I'd get all the money. 505 00:27:38,817 --> 00:27:39,902 Come on. 506 00:27:39,985 --> 00:27:42,363 - Where are we going? - On a trip. 507 00:27:42,446 --> 00:27:43,906 I'll drive. 508 00:27:47,576 --> 00:27:49,620 I shouldn't be driving. 509 00:27:49,870 --> 00:27:51,705 But I don't care. I'm trying to hit bottom. 510 00:27:51,789 --> 00:27:53,374 (SIREN WAILING) 511 00:27:54,917 --> 00:27:57,253 Here comes bottom. Pull over. 512 00:27:57,336 --> 00:27:58,754 Just stop. 513 00:28:02,132 --> 00:28:05,761 All right, do me a favour. Let me do the talking, okay? 514 00:28:05,844 --> 00:28:07,221 GREG: I think I'm gonna puke. 515 00:28:07,304 --> 00:28:08,764 MARK: Do not puke in front of an officer of the law. 516 00:28:08,847 --> 00:28:12,059 GREG: Don't tell me not to puke 'cause that'll make me puke more. 517 00:28:12,643 --> 00:28:14,937 Hello, Officer. How are you? 518 00:28:15,896 --> 00:28:19,066 Well, I'm relieved you're not a couple of black guys. 519 00:28:19,149 --> 00:28:21,193 There's a much higher probability that I'd be jumpy, 520 00:28:21,277 --> 00:28:24,071 shoot you without provocation, and then I could lose my weapon. 521 00:28:24,154 --> 00:28:25,656 That's good. 522 00:28:25,739 --> 00:28:27,992 - I don't want to go to jail. - He doesn't want to go to jail. 523 00:28:28,075 --> 00:28:30,327 Have you been drinking and operating this motor vehicle? 524 00:28:30,411 --> 00:28:32,955 - Yeah, a lot of drink. - Well, then you're probably going to jail. 525 00:28:33,038 --> 00:28:34,415 I'm gonna need you to breathe into this for me. 526 00:28:34,498 --> 00:28:36,000 Officer, you don't need to do that. 527 00:28:36,083 --> 00:28:38,335 I'm gonna say that, judging by the look of this car, 528 00:28:38,419 --> 00:28:39,712 you can't afford my bribe. 529 00:28:39,795 --> 00:28:41,422 Why? How much do you charge? 530 00:28:41,505 --> 00:28:42,756 5,400. 531 00:28:43,340 --> 00:28:44,383 That's a lot. 532 00:28:44,466 --> 00:28:46,844 That's too much, I think. Why so high? 533 00:28:46,927 --> 00:28:49,388 I have an expensive cocaine habit. 534 00:28:49,471 --> 00:28:51,432 But, you know, it's more than that. 535 00:28:51,515 --> 00:28:56,228 I feel like when I set the price up higher, it takes it out of the realm of petty crime 536 00:28:56,312 --> 00:28:58,147 and helps me preserve my sense of personal integrity. 537 00:28:58,230 --> 00:29:00,649 Sort of feeling of self worth if you're... Yeah. 538 00:29:00,733 --> 00:29:01,984 Well, it was nice chatting with you. 539 00:29:02,067 --> 00:29:05,779 Any who, I'm still gonna need you to breathe into this for me. 540 00:29:05,863 --> 00:29:08,741 You're gonna wanna blow, not suck there. 541 00:29:10,034 --> 00:29:11,410 (SNORING) 542 00:29:15,831 --> 00:29:16,916 (BEEPING) 543 00:29:16,999 --> 00:29:20,044 Oh, yeah. That's pretty much off the chart. You're drunk. 544 00:29:20,127 --> 00:29:23,672 - You're going to jail. Step out of the vehicle. - I don't want to. 545 00:29:23,756 --> 00:29:26,217 Sir, I'm gonna ask you to exit the vehicle one more time. 546 00:29:26,300 --> 00:29:27,593 - Might as well. - I can't. 547 00:29:27,676 --> 00:29:31,680 All right! That's it! Get out of the car! Come on out here! You're drunk! 548 00:29:33,015 --> 00:29:35,017 - You should be ashamed of yourself! - Officer. 549 00:29:35,100 --> 00:29:36,352 I'm gonna think about this later. 550 00:29:36,477 --> 00:29:39,104 - Officer. Listen, no, no, no! - Sir, please get back in the car! 551 00:29:39,188 --> 00:29:41,607 Listen to what I've got to say. 552 00:29:42,399 --> 00:29:43,984 He's not drunk. 553 00:29:46,737 --> 00:29:48,572 I've made a terrible mistake. 554 00:29:48,656 --> 00:29:51,450 I do this sometimes. I get a little... 555 00:29:51,534 --> 00:29:52,701 It's the adrenaline. 556 00:29:52,785 --> 00:29:55,663 Well, actually, it arouses me. 557 00:29:55,746 --> 00:29:56,872 Sexually? 558 00:29:57,498 --> 00:29:58,999 - Oh, that... - I'm so sorry. 559 00:29:59,083 --> 00:30:01,544 Please. Please let me help you. 560 00:30:01,627 --> 00:30:05,631 Can you forgive me? Did you eat something? Is it food poisoning? 561 00:30:05,714 --> 00:30:08,801 - You'll drive? - MARK: Yeah. Good idea. Thank you. 562 00:30:08,884 --> 00:30:10,094 Sorry. 563 00:30:10,177 --> 00:30:11,512 (LAUGHING) 564 00:30:11,595 --> 00:30:12,888 That was awesome. 565 00:30:12,972 --> 00:30:15,724 - Stop laughing. I'm gonna be sick. - You're gonna be fine. 566 00:30:15,808 --> 00:30:17,226 Oh, good. 567 00:30:17,309 --> 00:30:19,645 - Where are we going? - To get rich. 568 00:30:19,728 --> 00:30:21,146 (VOMITING) 569 00:30:31,991 --> 00:30:34,827 What are we doing here? We don't have any money to throw away. 570 00:30:34,910 --> 00:30:36,787 We're not gonna throw it away. 571 00:30:36,871 --> 00:30:39,039 - Good luck. - MAN: Thank you. 572 00:30:39,123 --> 00:30:40,791 - Hi. - Hi. 573 00:30:40,875 --> 00:30:41,959 Chips, please. 574 00:30:42,042 --> 00:30:44,253 There's a very good chance you'll lose all this money here tonight. 575 00:30:44,336 --> 00:30:46,255 - I know. - And even if you happen to win, 576 00:30:46,338 --> 00:30:48,924 there's an even better chance that, in the long run, we'll win it back. 577 00:30:49,008 --> 00:30:51,051 - I know. - Some of the games are fixed, 578 00:30:51,135 --> 00:30:53,262 - like the ones that use computers. - I know. 579 00:30:53,345 --> 00:30:55,306 - Good luck. - Thank you. 580 00:31:01,979 --> 00:31:03,230 - Hi, guys. - Hi. 581 00:31:03,314 --> 00:31:07,109 If I could be a stripper, I would, but I'm not attractive enough. Drinks? 582 00:31:07,193 --> 00:31:10,905 We'll have two beers, and we'll take them over there at the roulette table. 583 00:31:10,988 --> 00:31:12,031 - Cheers. - Come on, 584 00:31:12,114 --> 00:31:15,326 roulette's the stupidest game of all. It's all chance. There's no skill whatsoever. 585 00:31:15,409 --> 00:31:17,036 It's all right, I'm feeling lucky. 586 00:31:17,119 --> 00:31:19,455 - You've never had a lucky day in your life. - Just watch. 587 00:31:19,538 --> 00:31:22,041 CROUPIER: Get your bets in. Get your bets in. 588 00:31:22,124 --> 00:31:25,461 The house always wins in the long run. 589 00:31:25,544 --> 00:31:26,879 Because of the zeroes on the board, 590 00:31:26,962 --> 00:31:30,257 every bet is slightly favoured towards the house. 591 00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:34,386 35 black. No one wins. 592 00:31:34,470 --> 00:31:37,431 Look at that unusual thing, I've never... 593 00:31:38,390 --> 00:31:42,061 It's gone now. I'm on 35 black, by the way. 594 00:31:45,523 --> 00:31:47,274 We have a winner. 595 00:31:47,816 --> 00:31:49,151 MAN: Good job! 596 00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:50,569 CROUPIER: Congratulations, sir. 597 00:31:50,653 --> 00:31:54,740 I just won the major jackpot on that machine, but no money came out. 598 00:31:54,823 --> 00:31:56,325 Oh, I'm sorry about that, sir. 599 00:31:56,408 --> 00:32:00,788 Let me get that fixed for you. And can I say congratulations, sir? 600 00:32:00,871 --> 00:32:02,081 Thank you. 601 00:32:02,164 --> 00:32:06,001 We've got a major winner here. Would you open up the vault? 602 00:32:08,504 --> 00:32:11,757 This is the most amazing night of my entire life. 603 00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:13,717 Think how amazing it would be if you didn't smell of vomit. 604 00:32:13,801 --> 00:32:15,094 I know. 605 00:32:22,601 --> 00:32:24,520 (ELEVATOR DINGS) 606 00:32:26,105 --> 00:32:28,023 Mark, how's it going? 607 00:32:29,525 --> 00:32:30,651 Good. 608 00:32:32,111 --> 00:32:33,153 Oh. 609 00:32:33,237 --> 00:32:35,197 How's it going with you? 610 00:32:35,281 --> 00:32:36,949 Pretty awful. 611 00:32:37,032 --> 00:32:40,536 I was up last night researching on the Internet, 612 00:32:40,619 --> 00:32:43,998 like, suffocation suicide. 613 00:32:44,582 --> 00:32:47,835 I think that's what I'm gonna do tonight. 614 00:32:48,627 --> 00:32:49,670 Later. 615 00:32:51,755 --> 00:32:52,965 Frank. 616 00:32:55,175 --> 00:32:56,385 Yeah? 617 00:32:56,886 --> 00:32:58,429 Don't do that. 618 00:33:00,222 --> 00:33:02,182 Why? I mean... 619 00:33:02,266 --> 00:33:05,436 You know, I'm miserable. I don't think anyone would care. 620 00:33:05,519 --> 00:33:06,937 I'll care. 621 00:33:07,354 --> 00:33:09,690 But you're a loser, which doesn't really count. 622 00:33:09,773 --> 00:33:13,152 Things are gonna be okay. 623 00:33:13,235 --> 00:33:14,320 They are? 624 00:33:14,403 --> 00:33:16,739 Yeah. You're gonna meet someone. 625 00:33:16,822 --> 00:33:18,741 You're gonna be happy. 626 00:33:22,912 --> 00:33:24,288 I shouldn't kill myself? 627 00:33:24,371 --> 00:33:25,998 Definitely not. 628 00:33:29,001 --> 00:33:31,754 Okay, so I don't need to kill myself. 629 00:33:33,297 --> 00:33:35,591 Wow! I thought... 630 00:33:35,674 --> 00:33:38,886 I thought that like... That suffocation idea, 631 00:33:38,969 --> 00:33:41,513 I thought that was like a really good idea, you know? 632 00:33:41,597 --> 00:33:42,640 It wasn't. 633 00:33:42,723 --> 00:33:43,766 Wow! 634 00:33:46,060 --> 00:33:47,937 My night's opened up. 635 00:33:49,188 --> 00:33:51,649 Do you wanna hang out or something? 636 00:33:51,732 --> 00:33:53,400 Oh, not really. 637 00:33:53,484 --> 00:33:55,778 It's all right. It's okay. 638 00:33:55,861 --> 00:33:58,447 No! Good idea. 639 00:33:59,323 --> 00:34:02,535 Let's hang out. I'll see you tonight. 640 00:34:02,618 --> 00:34:04,495 I'll see you tonight. 641 00:34:05,704 --> 00:34:07,122 FRANK: Cool, okay. 642 00:34:07,790 --> 00:34:09,375 (SLOW POP MUSIC PLAYING) 643 00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:22,596 (INAUDIBLE) 644 00:34:35,317 --> 00:34:38,320 (INAUDIBLE) 645 00:34:59,967 --> 00:35:01,260 (INAUDIBLE) 646 00:35:10,769 --> 00:35:12,396 (INAUDIBLE) 647 00:35:32,750 --> 00:35:34,293 (INAUDIBLE) 648 00:35:48,098 --> 00:35:49,642 (INAUDIBLE) 649 00:36:00,152 --> 00:36:01,779 (PHONE RINGING) 650 00:36:03,948 --> 00:36:05,032 Hello, this is Anna. 651 00:36:05,115 --> 00:36:06,200 Hi, it's Mark. 652 00:36:06,700 --> 00:36:09,119 Oh! Hi, Mark. Didn't you get my e-mail? 653 00:36:09,453 --> 00:36:11,080 The one about not being good enough for you? 654 00:36:11,163 --> 00:36:12,206 That's the one. 655 00:36:12,289 --> 00:36:14,083 Yeah, got that, cheers. 656 00:36:14,166 --> 00:36:18,546 Listen, the reason I'm calling is I want to ask you out on another date. 657 00:36:20,464 --> 00:36:21,507 Why would you do that? 658 00:36:21,590 --> 00:36:25,886 Well, I found out I can pretty much have my life the way I want it. 659 00:36:26,262 --> 00:36:28,305 Congratulations! I gotta go. 660 00:36:28,389 --> 00:36:29,431 No, wait. 661 00:36:29,515 --> 00:36:33,727 Listen, I know you said you didn't wanna go on another date with me, ever, 662 00:36:33,811 --> 00:36:38,399 but I'm different now. I think I'm in your league. 663 00:36:38,482 --> 00:36:39,567 Are you better looking? 664 00:36:39,650 --> 00:36:43,320 No. More powerful. I think you have to see it for yourself. 665 00:36:43,404 --> 00:36:44,446 Have you been to the gym? 666 00:36:44,530 --> 00:36:50,202 No. I joined a gym, but just... Things have changed for me. 667 00:36:50,286 --> 00:36:51,537 I think you'll hardly recognise me. 668 00:36:51,620 --> 00:36:52,705 Did you buy new clothes? 669 00:36:52,788 --> 00:36:55,749 No. Sorry, can we just meet up? It'd be best. 670 00:36:55,833 --> 00:36:59,295 You did admit yourself that, you know, we got on. 671 00:36:59,378 --> 00:37:04,174 If you had an okay time, then please say yes. 672 00:37:04,258 --> 00:37:07,928 I'm just asking for one teensy, weensy little date. 673 00:37:10,472 --> 00:37:11,891 Okay, fine. 674 00:37:12,099 --> 00:37:13,350 Fantastic. 675 00:37:14,935 --> 00:37:18,314 I'll pick you up tomorrow, about 8:00? 676 00:37:18,397 --> 00:37:21,901 Most likely, though, this will be our last date, so just know that. 677 00:37:21,984 --> 00:37:23,861 Yeah. Great. 678 00:37:23,944 --> 00:37:24,987 Okay. Bye! 679 00:37:26,488 --> 00:37:27,698 Bye! 680 00:37:27,781 --> 00:37:29,200 Hang up, Mark. 681 00:37:29,283 --> 00:37:30,326 Bye. 682 00:37:35,581 --> 00:37:38,459 MALE NARRATOR: Proudly presents The Industrial Revolution. 683 00:37:38,542 --> 00:37:41,503 Hello, I'm Angelo Badsmith. 684 00:37:41,587 --> 00:37:44,548 Come, watch me read about the exciting events 685 00:37:44,632 --> 00:37:47,343 that took place during the Industrial Revolution, 686 00:37:47,426 --> 00:37:52,223 written by the most beloved and esteemed screenwriter of his generation, 687 00:37:52,306 --> 00:37:54,016 Brad Kessler. 688 00:37:54,099 --> 00:37:58,562 I don't think anyone can write a better screenplay than Brad Kessler. 689 00:38:03,275 --> 00:38:04,318 No? 690 00:38:29,218 --> 00:38:30,594 BRAD: Hey! 691 00:38:30,678 --> 00:38:33,138 Did you come to beg for your job back? 692 00:38:33,222 --> 00:38:34,431 Everybody! 693 00:38:34,515 --> 00:38:36,225 That's the loser that thought the Black Plague 694 00:38:36,308 --> 00:38:37,601 would make an interesting film. 695 00:38:37,685 --> 00:38:39,895 Hey! Good luck, douche bag. 696 00:38:42,439 --> 00:38:44,775 - You can't go in there. - I've got an appointment. 697 00:38:44,859 --> 00:38:46,735 Oh, then go right in. 698 00:38:47,903 --> 00:38:49,864 Talk to you later. 699 00:38:50,906 --> 00:38:53,534 Hi. That was the head of the studio. 700 00:38:56,203 --> 00:38:58,289 Why are you here? 701 00:38:58,372 --> 00:39:03,294 Well, when you fired me, I was seriously depressed. 702 00:39:04,003 --> 00:39:05,754 - I knew it. - But... 703 00:39:06,297 --> 00:39:09,383 I went for a walk, right out of town. 704 00:39:09,466 --> 00:39:14,179 And I came across a desert, and I fell asleep under a tree, palm tree. 705 00:39:14,263 --> 00:39:17,725 I don't do well with other people's life-changing stories. 706 00:39:17,808 --> 00:39:22,104 And then when I woke up, I saw like a thing sticking out of the sand. 707 00:39:22,188 --> 00:39:26,817 And I unearthed it, and it was an ancient chest. 708 00:39:26,901 --> 00:39:29,278 Really old. Seven hundred years old. 709 00:39:29,361 --> 00:39:33,199 And in that chest was this. 710 00:39:33,282 --> 00:39:34,366 What is it? 711 00:39:34,450 --> 00:39:37,745 It's a never-before-heard event from history. 712 00:39:38,495 --> 00:39:40,206 When does it take place? 713 00:39:40,289 --> 00:39:41,415 1300s. 714 00:39:41,498 --> 00:39:42,917 Oh, come on, no, Mark! 715 00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:46,837 Mark, I've already told you, we don't do Black Plague movies here! 716 00:39:46,921 --> 00:39:50,925 It's not about the Black Plague! It's not just about the Black Plague. 717 00:39:51,008 --> 00:39:53,969 It's about... Can I just read it, please? 718 00:39:54,678 --> 00:39:57,306 Get excited. Don't tap, get excited. 719 00:39:57,389 --> 00:39:58,766 Get very excited, 720 00:39:58,849 --> 00:40:05,356 because this is one of the best discoveries 721 00:40:05,439 --> 00:40:08,609 man has ever discovered. 722 00:40:08,692 --> 00:40:09,944 And you can be part of it. 723 00:40:10,027 --> 00:40:12,655 Yes, but is there a movie there? 724 00:40:12,738 --> 00:40:16,367 The greatest movie Lecture Films has ever made. 725 00:40:18,285 --> 00:40:19,870 Start reading. 726 00:40:22,039 --> 00:40:27,586 "On the very first day of the 14th century, a momentous occasion occurred. 727 00:40:27,670 --> 00:40:33,467 "It began like any other day. The sun rose, babies began to cry. 728 00:40:33,551 --> 00:40:36,971 "But all of that was interrupted when a giant, flying spaceship 729 00:40:37,054 --> 00:40:41,892 "crashed down from the skies and landed in the heart of Babylon." 730 00:40:41,976 --> 00:40:43,018 What? 731 00:40:47,022 --> 00:40:50,734 Uh... Get everyone in here, right now. We got a big one. 732 00:40:50,818 --> 00:40:52,987 Oh, please, Mark, continue. 733 00:40:56,615 --> 00:40:59,743 MARK: " The ninja army unleashed a giant fireball 734 00:40:59,827 --> 00:41:03,831 "and brought the robot dinosaur to its knees, saving Mars, Earth 735 00:41:03,914 --> 00:41:08,419 "and the nude Amazonian alien women, all in one sweeping motion. 736 00:41:08,502 --> 00:41:10,296 "The Earth was saved. 737 00:41:10,379 --> 00:41:14,800 "Jebediah and Aleena were allowed to marry by alien King Wanglor. 738 00:41:14,884 --> 00:41:18,512 "It was to be the first human nude Amazonian alien woman wedding, 739 00:41:18,596 --> 00:41:20,806 "and no expense would be spared. 740 00:41:20,890 --> 00:41:24,268 "All of Babylon and Mars were invited to join the celebrations. 741 00:41:24,351 --> 00:41:27,062 "The wedding was held on a brisk summer's day on Mars. 742 00:41:27,146 --> 00:41:28,939 "And all of the survivors of the Great Ninja War 743 00:41:29,023 --> 00:41:30,733 "and the Black Plague were present. 744 00:41:30,816 --> 00:41:35,196 "They feasted and danced and laughed, and it was a joyous occasion. 745 00:41:35,279 --> 00:41:36,947 "The moment the bride and groom kissed, 746 00:41:37,031 --> 00:41:40,409 "King Wanglor performed a mind-wipe on all the humans, 747 00:41:40,492 --> 00:41:44,413 "thereby erasing all knowledge of these events for about 700 years, 748 00:41:44,496 --> 00:41:48,042 "until one day, a great writer by the name of Mark Bellison 749 00:41:48,125 --> 00:41:53,464 "would stumble across them in the desert after being fired by his crap boss, Anthony, 750 00:41:55,507 --> 00:42:00,596 "and mocked by Brad and Shelley, two huge douche bags. 751 00:42:01,472 --> 00:42:06,018 "Lecture Films would go on to make the picture, and it'd be a huge success. 752 00:42:06,101 --> 00:42:09,772 "And Mark would become very wealthy and famous from it." 753 00:42:22,076 --> 00:42:24,662 What are you gonna call this, Mark? 754 00:42:26,956 --> 00:42:28,082 The Black Plague. 755 00:42:28,165 --> 00:42:29,833 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 756 00:42:31,877 --> 00:42:34,338 I want you to start immediately 'cause I think this could be 757 00:42:34,421 --> 00:42:36,590 the best screenplay ever written. 758 00:42:36,674 --> 00:42:38,384 Oh, it will. 759 00:42:38,467 --> 00:42:42,888 It will be the best screenplay ever written by anyone. 760 00:42:52,439 --> 00:42:53,732 Well... 761 00:42:54,942 --> 00:42:57,444 I guess congratulations on selling your script today. 762 00:42:57,528 --> 00:42:59,655 - Cheers. - Cheers. 763 00:43:01,866 --> 00:43:05,035 Tell me something about your family. I don't know that much about you. 764 00:43:05,119 --> 00:43:06,370 (MARK EXHALES) 765 00:43:06,453 --> 00:43:09,248 We're sort of what you'd call unlucky. 766 00:43:09,331 --> 00:43:10,708 My dad was an alcoholic. 767 00:43:10,791 --> 00:43:12,001 Sad. 768 00:43:12,084 --> 00:43:16,171 Drinking got to a point where he lost his job, and with a family to support, 769 00:43:16,255 --> 00:43:18,299 he had no choice but to turn to a life of crime. 770 00:43:18,382 --> 00:43:19,967 What kind of crime? 771 00:43:20,050 --> 00:43:22,970 Burglary. Houses, mainly. 772 00:43:30,311 --> 00:43:31,395 What are you doing here? 773 00:43:31,478 --> 00:43:33,439 It's Monday at noon. You're not supposed to be at home now. 774 00:43:33,522 --> 00:43:35,524 If you must know, I'm incredibly stressed at work. 775 00:43:35,608 --> 00:43:37,651 I've come home early. I'm having a bit of me time. 776 00:43:37,735 --> 00:43:39,153 More importantly, what are you doing? 777 00:43:39,236 --> 00:43:40,905 Well, I was gonna rob your house. 778 00:43:40,988 --> 00:43:42,323 I don't like that idea. Not a fan of that at all. 779 00:43:42,406 --> 00:43:44,200 Well, I'm not gonna do it now because you're in. 780 00:43:44,283 --> 00:43:45,367 And do you know what's gonna happen? 781 00:43:45,451 --> 00:43:46,952 I'm gonna call the police, you're gonna be arrested. 782 00:43:47,036 --> 00:43:48,704 Well, I'm just gonna leave, and you don't know my name. 783 00:43:48,787 --> 00:43:50,122 - What is your name? - Richard Bellison. 784 00:43:50,206 --> 00:43:51,624 (LAUGHING) Good to meet you. 785 00:43:51,707 --> 00:43:54,752 You've got two options. Option one, I send the police to your house, right? 786 00:43:54,835 --> 00:43:57,171 Arrest you there, embarrass you in front of your neighbours. 787 00:43:57,254 --> 00:43:59,715 Or option two, you just come in and wait for the police here. 788 00:43:59,798 --> 00:44:01,967 - No, I'll wait. - Yeah? 789 00:44:02,051 --> 00:44:04,511 - Come on in then. Do you want a cup of tea? - Yeah, that'd be great. 790 00:44:04,595 --> 00:44:06,764 MARK: He spent the last years of his life in jail. 791 00:44:07,431 --> 00:44:08,766 I never really knew him. 792 00:44:08,849 --> 00:44:13,020 But I've been blessed with some luck as well in my life. 793 00:44:13,103 --> 00:44:14,897 I had a wonderful mother who raised me. 794 00:44:14,980 --> 00:44:17,691 - Oh, that's sweet. - She's great. 795 00:44:17,775 --> 00:44:18,817 Where is she? 796 00:44:18,901 --> 00:44:20,945 At an old people's home. 797 00:44:21,570 --> 00:44:24,865 But I'm gonna get her out of there tomorrow. 798 00:44:25,908 --> 00:44:26,992 I'm gonna get her a mansion, 799 00:44:27,076 --> 00:44:28,994 so she can spend the rest of her life in luxury. 800 00:44:29,078 --> 00:44:30,579 That's nice. 801 00:44:31,997 --> 00:44:34,124 - Compliments from the chef. - Thank you. 802 00:44:34,208 --> 00:44:36,627 I don't know what's wrong with him today, but these just look awful. 803 00:44:36,710 --> 00:44:37,795 They look fine to me. 804 00:44:37,878 --> 00:44:39,755 Well, you're stupid. 805 00:44:45,803 --> 00:44:47,012 I was thinking. 806 00:44:47,096 --> 00:44:51,225 Now I'm obviously rich and successful and... 807 00:44:51,308 --> 00:44:58,399 Maybe I'm in your league and that we could be together, romantically. 808 00:44:59,441 --> 00:45:01,485 What would be the point? 809 00:45:03,195 --> 00:45:04,947 We might enjoy it. 810 00:45:07,825 --> 00:45:11,704 Well, I do like you and I do enjoy your company. 811 00:45:11,787 --> 00:45:13,664 And if we were to get together and procreate, 812 00:45:13,747 --> 00:45:16,834 I would like the offspring that are carrying half my genetic code 813 00:45:16,917 --> 00:45:20,462 to be well taken care of, financially stable. 814 00:45:20,546 --> 00:45:24,258 I also think you'd make a good father and a good husband, which I like. 815 00:45:24,341 --> 00:45:25,718 Fantastic. 816 00:45:26,927 --> 00:45:29,013 Unfortunately, none of that changes the fact 817 00:45:29,096 --> 00:45:33,642 that you'd still be contributing half the genetic code to our children. 818 00:45:36,145 --> 00:45:39,690 I don't want little fat kids with snub noses. 819 00:45:41,483 --> 00:45:42,693 Sure. 820 00:45:44,778 --> 00:45:46,030 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 821 00:45:46,113 --> 00:45:47,364 Sorry. 822 00:45:48,032 --> 00:45:50,117 Hello? Speaking. 823 00:45:52,536 --> 00:45:53,579 She what? 824 00:45:55,539 --> 00:45:56,874 Mum? 825 00:45:56,957 --> 00:45:59,668 They just called me. What's going on? 826 00:46:00,044 --> 00:46:03,631 They said I'm probably gonna die tonight. 827 00:46:03,714 --> 00:46:04,924 What? 828 00:46:05,007 --> 00:46:07,176 Hello, there. I was just coming in to check on her. 829 00:46:07,259 --> 00:46:08,552 You must be Martha's son. 830 00:46:08,636 --> 00:46:09,845 What do you mean, she's gonna die tonight? 831 00:46:09,929 --> 00:46:12,806 It does not look very good. She suffered a major heart attack. 832 00:46:12,890 --> 00:46:16,685 Her heart is very weak. Her pulse is not very strong. 833 00:46:16,769 --> 00:46:19,647 Her blood pressure is dropping rapidly, 834 00:46:19,730 --> 00:46:24,652 and she will probably suffer a fatal heart attack sometime tonight. 835 00:46:24,735 --> 00:46:27,821 Yes. Still going to die. 836 00:46:30,824 --> 00:46:32,493 Side note, 837 00:46:32,576 --> 00:46:36,038 it's fajita night downstairs in the cafeteria, 838 00:46:36,121 --> 00:46:40,167 so you might wanna grab yourself a little bite down there after Mom dies. 839 00:46:40,251 --> 00:46:41,418 Okay? 840 00:46:47,007 --> 00:46:49,927 I'm so scared, Mark. 841 00:46:50,010 --> 00:46:55,266 People don't talk about it, but death is a horrible thing. 842 00:46:56,100 --> 00:46:58,561 One minute, you're alive, 843 00:46:59,895 --> 00:47:02,690 and then just like that, it's all gone. 844 00:47:05,359 --> 00:47:07,069 This is it, Mark. 845 00:47:08,821 --> 00:47:12,157 Few more hours like this and then 846 00:47:15,244 --> 00:47:18,038 an eternity of nothingness. 847 00:47:20,958 --> 00:47:22,001 (GASPS) 848 00:47:22,334 --> 00:47:23,544 (MONITOR BEEPING) 849 00:47:23,627 --> 00:47:24,879 Nurse! 850 00:47:29,216 --> 00:47:31,260 Her vitals are dropping. 851 00:47:31,886 --> 00:47:35,014 I'm so... I'm so frightened. 852 00:47:37,057 --> 00:47:38,350 Oh, Mum. 853 00:47:46,358 --> 00:47:48,986 Mum, listen to me. 854 00:47:49,653 --> 00:47:51,363 Listen carefully. 855 00:47:51,697 --> 00:47:54,867 You're wrong about what happens after you die. 856 00:47:57,036 --> 00:47:58,954 It's not an eternity of nothingness. 857 00:47:59,038 --> 00:48:00,206 Huh? 858 00:48:01,832 --> 00:48:05,169 You go to your favourite place in the whole world. 859 00:48:05,669 --> 00:48:10,883 Yeah. And everyone you've ever loved and who's ever loved you will be there. 860 00:48:10,966 --> 00:48:12,635 And you'll be young again. 861 00:48:12,718 --> 00:48:16,013 You'll run and jump like you used to and dance. 862 00:48:16,096 --> 00:48:17,890 You used to dance. 863 00:48:21,727 --> 00:48:23,437 There's no pain. 864 00:48:28,234 --> 00:48:29,652 Just love. 865 00:48:33,155 --> 00:48:34,573 Happiness. 866 00:48:35,908 --> 00:48:38,202 And everyone gets a mansion. 867 00:48:39,203 --> 00:48:42,498 And it lasts for an eternity. An eternity, Mum. 868 00:48:47,920 --> 00:48:49,964 Say hello to Dad for me. 869 00:48:51,382 --> 00:48:53,175 Tell him I love him. 870 00:49:00,850 --> 00:49:03,018 - Go on. - What else happens? 871 00:49:03,769 --> 00:49:04,937 Mum. 872 00:49:05,563 --> 00:49:08,232 I'm gonna see my mother again when I die. 873 00:49:08,315 --> 00:49:10,651 Will you tell us more, please? 874 00:49:10,776 --> 00:49:12,152 (MONITOR BEEPING) 875 00:49:12,236 --> 00:49:13,779 (MONITOR FLAT-LINING) 876 00:49:14,738 --> 00:49:15,990 (SOBS) 877 00:50:43,494 --> 00:50:44,620 Hi. 878 00:50:45,246 --> 00:50:46,372 Hi. 879 00:51:30,416 --> 00:51:32,209 (CROWD CHATTERING) 880 00:51:44,638 --> 00:51:48,392 Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. 881 00:51:50,019 --> 00:51:51,312 There he is! That's him! 882 00:51:51,395 --> 00:51:53,189 (CROWD CLAMOURING) 883 00:51:54,356 --> 00:51:56,233 Is there only one place you go when you die? 884 00:51:56,317 --> 00:51:58,194 Will everyone who has ever died be there? 885 00:51:58,277 --> 00:51:59,361 What's this place called? 886 00:51:59,445 --> 00:52:01,030 Will I get to have sex with people there? 887 00:52:01,113 --> 00:52:02,323 Are there shopping malls? 888 00:52:02,406 --> 00:52:04,408 What about smoking? Can we smoke up there? 889 00:52:04,491 --> 00:52:06,118 (PHONE RINGING) 890 00:52:06,702 --> 00:52:07,786 Hi. 891 00:52:07,870 --> 00:52:10,998 They're saying you know something different about what happens after you die. 892 00:52:13,083 --> 00:52:17,421 Twenty four hours ago, Mark Bellison was just your typical nobody writer. 893 00:52:17,504 --> 00:52:20,257 Today, people are saying he has new information 894 00:52:20,341 --> 00:52:22,885 about what happens after you die. 895 00:52:23,219 --> 00:52:24,803 Oh, this is bad. 896 00:52:24,887 --> 00:52:28,265 I just need to get... I know, I'm sorry. Pardon me. Pardon me, please. 897 00:52:28,349 --> 00:52:31,185 Oopsie! Excuse me. Um, oh, excuse me. 898 00:52:31,268 --> 00:52:32,311 (CHUCKLES) 899 00:52:32,770 --> 00:52:34,021 Quick. 900 00:52:34,146 --> 00:52:35,439 Come in. 901 00:52:36,106 --> 00:52:37,316 Yeah. 902 00:52:40,903 --> 00:52:42,655 Just tell me what you told your mom. 903 00:52:42,738 --> 00:52:44,615 I don't think I should. Anything can happen. 904 00:52:44,698 --> 00:52:47,660 I've got to keep my mouth shut from now on. Why did I... 905 00:52:47,743 --> 00:52:50,704 Whatever you said obviously affected a lot of people. 906 00:52:50,788 --> 00:52:52,456 I mean, I don't think you have the choice to keep it in. 907 00:52:52,540 --> 00:52:54,208 Yes, I do. I could walk out that door now. 908 00:52:54,333 --> 00:52:56,919 I could get on the first plane to Namibia. No one knows me there. 909 00:52:57,002 --> 00:53:00,631 Just tell me what you said, Mark. Please, just tell me. 910 00:53:00,714 --> 00:53:04,677 My mum was dying, she was scared, she was shaking all over, 911 00:53:04,760 --> 00:53:08,138 and she said she didn't want to just enter a world of nothingness. 912 00:53:08,222 --> 00:53:12,059 So I said, " You're wrong about what happens after you die." 913 00:53:12,560 --> 00:53:14,645 And I told her, I said, 914 00:53:15,646 --> 00:53:17,481 "It's not a world of nothingness. 915 00:53:17,565 --> 00:53:20,609 "You go to the best place ever, where all your friends are 916 00:53:22,695 --> 00:53:24,071 "and you have an eternity of joy." 917 00:53:25,865 --> 00:53:27,616 I made her happy. 918 00:53:32,788 --> 00:53:34,582 How do you know these things? 919 00:53:34,665 --> 00:53:36,083 Well, I... 920 00:53:37,126 --> 00:53:39,169 Oh, that makes me happy. 921 00:53:40,421 --> 00:53:43,591 You have to tell them everything you know. You have to. It's too big. 922 00:53:43,674 --> 00:53:46,010 Listen to me, you don't understand. The things I told my mum... 923 00:53:46,135 --> 00:53:48,554 Didn't you say that it made her happy to hear them? 924 00:53:48,637 --> 00:53:50,472 - Yes. - And how did that make you feel? 925 00:53:50,556 --> 00:53:52,266 - Good. - So imagine how it would feel 926 00:53:52,349 --> 00:53:55,186 to do the same for all of these people. 927 00:54:01,233 --> 00:54:02,610 Uh, okay. 928 00:54:04,653 --> 00:54:06,363 I need some time. 929 00:54:08,949 --> 00:54:11,160 You sure I should do this? 930 00:54:11,994 --> 00:54:13,746 Of course you should. 931 00:54:13,829 --> 00:54:17,666 Mark, what you know is gonna change mankind forever. 932 00:54:19,001 --> 00:54:22,046 It's the most important thing the world has ever heard. 933 00:54:25,466 --> 00:54:27,259 I'll let you work. 934 00:54:39,480 --> 00:54:40,940 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 935 00:54:41,023 --> 00:54:42,608 MARK: Come in. 936 00:54:44,818 --> 00:54:46,487 I brought pizza. 937 00:54:47,279 --> 00:54:49,073 How come you never told me we all get mansions? 938 00:54:49,156 --> 00:54:50,658 - Uh, I didn't... - Just let him keep working. 939 00:54:50,741 --> 00:54:52,493 It's one thing that you invented the bicycle, but... 940 00:54:52,576 --> 00:54:54,870 Just keep working, don't worry about... 941 00:54:54,954 --> 00:54:57,957 I've known him for a long time, and he never told me that. 942 00:54:59,500 --> 00:55:02,962 - I got plain, and I got... - That's good. 943 00:55:03,087 --> 00:55:06,674 I got another plain. 944 00:55:09,426 --> 00:55:11,470 MALE REPORTER: In London, England, they wait. 945 00:55:11,554 --> 00:55:16,475 In Rome, Italy, they wait. In New York City, they wait. 946 00:55:16,559 --> 00:55:18,727 The world has come to a standstill, 947 00:55:18,811 --> 00:55:21,021 with everyone at their televisions and radios, 948 00:55:21,105 --> 00:55:22,815 or here on this lawn, 949 00:55:22,898 --> 00:55:26,986 waiting for Mark Bellison to come forth and tell the people what he knows. 950 00:55:43,627 --> 00:55:44,753 Oh! 951 00:55:46,422 --> 00:55:47,548 Hi. 952 00:55:50,259 --> 00:55:51,844 I've finished. 953 00:55:54,180 --> 00:55:55,556 Are you ready? 954 00:55:56,807 --> 00:55:58,309 - I guess so. - Oh. 955 00:55:58,392 --> 00:56:01,979 I wish I had something better to put these on, though, like tablets. 956 00:56:02,062 --> 00:56:04,231 Or just even better paper. 957 00:56:09,945 --> 00:56:12,072 - That feels better. - Good. 958 00:56:12,781 --> 00:56:13,824 SHELLEY: Just... 959 00:56:14,825 --> 00:56:16,619 Just tell them what you know. 960 00:56:16,702 --> 00:56:19,622 - GREG: Good luck out there, man. - Cheers. 961 00:56:30,674 --> 00:56:31,717 REPORTER: Twenty four hours ago, 962 00:56:31,800 --> 00:56:34,637 Mark Bellison was just your typical nobody writer. 963 00:56:34,720 --> 00:56:37,640 Today, people are saying he has new information 964 00:56:37,723 --> 00:56:40,392 about what happens after you die. 965 00:56:55,991 --> 00:56:57,493 ANNA: Sorry. 966 00:57:00,829 --> 00:57:02,206 I guess 967 00:57:03,040 --> 00:57:07,545 you heard about the stuff that I told my mum the other night. 968 00:57:07,836 --> 00:57:09,797 That's why you're here. 969 00:57:09,922 --> 00:57:12,091 I know some things, some very important things 970 00:57:12,174 --> 00:57:15,010 about what happens to you after you die. 971 00:57:16,637 --> 00:57:18,931 Everything you need to know 972 00:57:19,014 --> 00:57:21,475 is written on these pizza boxes. 973 00:57:31,026 --> 00:57:32,528 "Number one, 974 00:57:32,903 --> 00:57:36,574 "there is a man in the sky who controls everything. 975 00:57:38,450 --> 00:57:40,995 - "Number two..." - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 976 00:57:41,078 --> 00:57:42,663 What does he look like? 977 00:57:42,746 --> 00:57:47,042 Uh, tall, big hands for making stuff. Good head of hair. 978 00:57:47,126 --> 00:57:48,377 What ethnicity is he? 979 00:57:48,460 --> 00:57:51,922 Uh, he's a new type of ethnicity. 980 00:57:52,006 --> 00:57:55,134 He's a mixture of all our ethnicities. 981 00:57:55,217 --> 00:57:56,635 - Does he live in the clouds? - No. 982 00:57:56,719 --> 00:57:58,053 - Can we see him? - MARK: No. 983 00:57:58,137 --> 00:58:00,764 He lives higher than the clouds, too high to see him. 984 00:58:00,848 --> 00:58:03,184 - So he lives in space. - Not that high. 985 00:58:03,267 --> 00:58:04,435 So then the thermosphere? 986 00:58:04,518 --> 00:58:08,314 MARK: Sorry, people. I've got a lot to get through here. Can we just... 987 00:58:08,731 --> 00:58:13,235 Man lives in the sky, you can't see him. He controls everything. Cool? 988 00:58:13,402 --> 00:58:15,487 Good. " Number two, 989 00:58:15,654 --> 00:58:19,533 "when you die, you don't disappear into an eternity of nothingness. 990 00:58:19,617 --> 00:58:22,494 "Instead, you go to a really great place." 991 00:58:22,578 --> 00:58:23,662 (CROWD EXCLAIMING APPROVINGLY) 992 00:58:23,746 --> 00:58:24,955 MARK: " Number three, 993 00:58:25,039 --> 00:58:28,459 "in that place, everyone will get a mansion." 994 00:58:28,584 --> 00:58:30,294 (CROWD LAUGHING) 995 00:58:30,377 --> 00:58:32,087 (CROWD APPLAUDING) 996 00:58:34,215 --> 00:58:37,968 - What kind of mansion? - The best mansion you could think of. 997 00:58:38,052 --> 00:58:40,179 Ah, I was thinking of a horrible mansion! 998 00:58:40,262 --> 00:58:41,555 Well, no. 999 00:58:41,639 --> 00:58:44,141 It's the best mansion you could ever think of. 1000 00:58:44,225 --> 00:58:47,311 Not the one you're thinking of right now, but ever. 1001 00:58:47,394 --> 00:58:51,815 Whatever the best mansion is you'd like, that's the one you're gonna get. 1002 00:58:51,899 --> 00:58:53,609 (CLEARING THROAT) " Number four, 1003 00:58:53,692 --> 00:58:56,612 "when you die, all the people you love will be there." 1004 00:58:56,695 --> 00:58:57,863 Will they have their own mansions? 1005 00:58:57,947 --> 00:59:00,324 Yeah. Of course. Everyone gets a mansion. 1006 00:59:00,407 --> 00:59:01,575 What if I want them to live in my mansion? 1007 00:59:01,659 --> 00:59:05,287 Well, that's fine. They'll leave their mansion. They'll come and live with you, won't they? 1008 00:59:05,371 --> 00:59:08,541 - What happens to their mansion? - I don't know. It goes back on the market. 1009 00:59:08,624 --> 00:59:10,709 Can we..." Number five, 1010 00:59:10,793 --> 00:59:12,086 (SIGHS) 1011 00:59:12,169 --> 00:59:16,090 "When you die, there will be free ice cream for everyone. 1012 00:59:16,340 --> 00:59:20,719 "All day and all night, whatever flavours you can think of." 1013 00:59:21,095 --> 00:59:23,639 - Even bad flavours? - Why would you think of bad flavours? 1014 00:59:23,722 --> 00:59:25,724 You just said every flavour I could think of. 1015 00:59:25,808 --> 00:59:28,602 Oh, no. I just thought of vanilla and skunks. 1016 00:59:28,686 --> 00:59:29,895 Well, don't eat that, then. 1017 00:59:29,979 --> 00:59:32,106 I just thought that chocolate sauce was diarrhoea. 1018 00:59:32,189 --> 00:59:35,776 Don't put that on the ice cream, then! What is the matter with you people? 1019 00:59:35,860 --> 00:59:38,571 Can we... Please. " Number six, 1020 00:59:38,654 --> 00:59:42,116 "if you do bad things, you won't get to go to this great place when you die." 1021 00:59:42,199 --> 00:59:43,993 Where will you go? 1022 00:59:44,535 --> 00:59:47,079 A terrible place, the worst place imaginable. 1023 00:59:47,162 --> 00:59:48,998 What constitutes a bad thing? 1024 00:59:49,081 --> 00:59:52,042 Awful crimes, rape, murder, things like that. 1025 00:59:52,126 --> 00:59:53,961 - Is punching someone bad? - Yes. 1026 00:59:54,044 --> 00:59:56,755 - What if they're trying to hurt you? - Well, then it's fine. 1027 00:59:56,839 --> 00:59:58,299 - Is cursing bad? - No. 1028 00:59:58,382 --> 01:00:00,718 - What about being late for work? - MARK: No, that's... 1029 01:00:00,801 --> 01:00:04,471 I mean, you might lose your job if the boss doesn't like it, 1030 01:00:04,555 --> 01:00:06,599 but it won't affect what happens to you after you die. 1031 01:00:06,682 --> 01:00:09,685 What about if you forget to feed your dog? 1032 01:00:09,935 --> 01:00:12,104 MARK: Well, then, if you forget, I mean, it's bad for the dog. 1033 01:00:12,188 --> 01:00:16,275 If the dog dies, it's bad, but it's not... I mean, don't do it on purpose. 1034 01:00:16,358 --> 01:00:20,487 Don't buy a dog just to starve it for a laugh, but... Can we... 1035 01:00:20,571 --> 01:00:23,782 If I do just one bad thing, do I go to the bad place? 1036 01:00:23,866 --> 01:00:24,992 No! 1037 01:00:26,619 --> 01:00:28,787 You get three chances. 1038 01:00:29,330 --> 01:00:31,457 Three bad things and you're out. 1039 01:00:31,540 --> 01:00:32,625 Like baseball! 1040 01:00:32,708 --> 01:00:33,959 (CROWD EXCLAIMS) 1041 01:00:34,043 --> 01:00:36,795 Sort of. So, anything else? 1042 01:00:36,962 --> 01:00:38,005 ALL: Yeah! 1043 01:00:38,088 --> 01:00:41,091 - Oh, please, can we just move on? - MAN: No! 1044 01:00:41,425 --> 01:00:43,010 We have to know everything that's bad. 1045 01:00:43,093 --> 01:00:44,595 CROWD: Yeah. 1046 01:00:44,678 --> 01:00:46,055 (ALL CLAMOURING) 1047 01:00:47,056 --> 01:00:48,140 Fine. 1048 01:00:48,224 --> 01:00:49,558 Is it bad to wear pants? 1049 01:00:49,725 --> 01:00:51,352 Oh. What the... 1050 01:00:53,521 --> 01:00:58,859 No. There is no hairstyle that can put you in the bad place. 1051 01:00:58,943 --> 01:01:00,319 We've been through this. 1052 01:01:00,402 --> 01:01:05,574 The main ones are things like hurting people physically, on purpose, okay? 1053 01:01:05,658 --> 01:01:09,912 Taking their stuff, doing things to people they don't want done, 1054 01:01:09,995 --> 01:01:12,540 murdering people on purpose. 1055 01:01:13,082 --> 01:01:14,917 Okay. " Number nine, 1056 01:01:15,501 --> 01:01:17,836 "the man in the sky who controls everything 1057 01:01:17,920 --> 01:01:20,965 "decides if you go to the good place or the bad place. 1058 01:01:21,048 --> 01:01:23,551 "He also decides who lives and who dies." 1059 01:01:23,634 --> 01:01:25,845 - Does he cause natural disasters? - Yes. 1060 01:01:26,387 --> 01:01:29,265 - Did he cause my mom to get cancer? - Yes. 1061 01:01:29,348 --> 01:01:31,851 Did he cause that tree to land on my car last week? 1062 01:01:31,934 --> 01:01:35,312 - Yeah. - Did he kill my dad with that heart attack? 1063 01:01:38,065 --> 01:01:39,149 Yeah. 1064 01:01:39,233 --> 01:01:41,902 (CROWD EXCLAIMING IN DISAPPOINTMENT) 1065 01:01:44,530 --> 01:01:46,240 I say fuck the man that lives in the sky! 1066 01:01:46,323 --> 01:01:48,033 (CROWD CHEERING) 1067 01:01:49,952 --> 01:01:51,161 Yeah, that guy's evil! 1068 01:01:51,245 --> 01:01:54,456 That guy's a coward, hiding up there doing bad things to us. 1069 01:01:54,540 --> 01:01:55,708 Why doesn't he do it to our faces? 1070 01:01:55,791 --> 01:01:58,419 We have to stop that evil bastard before he kills us all! 1071 01:01:58,502 --> 01:02:00,170 (CROWD CHEERING) 1072 01:02:02,715 --> 01:02:04,842 MARK: Wait, wait, listen. 1073 01:02:05,926 --> 01:02:10,181 The man who lives in the sky and controls everything 1074 01:02:10,264 --> 01:02:13,142 is also responsible for all the good stuff that happens. 1075 01:02:13,225 --> 01:02:14,476 (CROWD EXCLAIMING APPROVINGLY) 1076 01:02:14,560 --> 01:02:18,147 He's the guy that saved my life on that fishing trip when the boat capsized? 1077 01:02:18,230 --> 01:02:20,608 - Yes. - Did he capsize the boat? 1078 01:02:20,941 --> 01:02:21,984 Yeah. 1079 01:02:22,067 --> 01:02:24,820 He killed my grandmother and left me those millions of dollars? 1080 01:02:24,904 --> 01:02:26,363 You bet you. 1081 01:02:26,488 --> 01:02:29,700 So, he's the one who cured my mom's cancer? 1082 01:02:30,034 --> 01:02:31,243 Yeah. 1083 01:02:31,410 --> 01:02:35,581 So, he's kind of a good guy, but he's also kind of a prick, too. 1084 01:02:35,664 --> 01:02:38,667 Yeah. Right, but check this out, okay? 1085 01:02:38,751 --> 01:02:42,796 "Number ten, even if the man in the sky does bad stuff to you, 1086 01:02:42,880 --> 01:02:47,134 "he makes up for it by giving you an eternity of good stuff after you die." 1087 01:02:47,218 --> 01:02:49,303 (CROWD EXCLAIMING IN SATISFACTION) 1088 01:02:49,386 --> 01:02:52,806 As long as you don't do any of that bad stuff that you mentioned, right? 1089 01:02:52,890 --> 01:02:55,684 - Yeah, of course. - So it's kind of a test. 1090 01:02:55,935 --> 01:02:57,061 Yeah. 1091 01:02:57,144 --> 01:02:59,438 Well, that's everything I know. 1092 01:02:59,522 --> 01:03:01,315 (CROWD APPLAUDING) 1093 01:03:07,488 --> 01:03:09,990 How do you know all these things? 1094 01:03:10,074 --> 01:03:12,284 Because the man in the sky told me. 1095 01:03:12,368 --> 01:03:14,787 Yeah, well, how come we're just finding out about these things now, 1096 01:03:14,870 --> 01:03:17,289 millions of years into our existence? 1097 01:03:17,373 --> 01:03:20,751 (SOFTLY) I don't know. He forgot. Got... Seen all the stuff he does? 1098 01:03:20,834 --> 01:03:22,253 Thank you. 1099 01:03:22,336 --> 01:03:23,379 (CROWD CLAMOURING) 1100 01:03:29,301 --> 01:03:31,178 Think that went well. 1101 01:03:33,389 --> 01:03:35,724 (CHEERFUL POP MUSIC PLAYING) 1102 01:03:59,582 --> 01:04:00,624 (INAUDIBLE) 1103 01:04:23,105 --> 01:04:25,232 (INAUDIBLE) 1104 01:04:53,552 --> 01:04:54,929 (INAUDIBLE) 1105 01:05:00,643 --> 01:05:02,353 Cheers, cheers. 1106 01:05:02,436 --> 01:05:03,687 Cheers, cheers. 1107 01:05:03,771 --> 01:05:05,731 (CROWD CLAMOURING) 1108 01:05:10,945 --> 01:05:12,571 (FANS CHEERING) 1109 01:05:33,175 --> 01:05:34,844 - Cheers. - Cheers. 1110 01:05:46,355 --> 01:05:51,610 Did I ever tell you about the time I saved a baby from a burning building 1111 01:05:51,694 --> 01:05:54,363 and there was a bear, and... 1112 01:05:54,446 --> 01:05:55,865 Wait, there was a burning building and a bear? 1113 01:05:55,948 --> 01:06:02,037 Yeah, well, I heard a baby crying and so I ran in there through the flames, 1114 01:06:02,121 --> 01:06:05,875 not caring about my own safety, got the baby, jumped out. 1115 01:06:05,958 --> 01:06:07,710 It was the second storey, jumped out. 1116 01:06:07,793 --> 01:06:08,836 (MIMICS THUD) 1117 01:06:08,919 --> 01:06:11,130 I landed, baby safe. But then this bear... 1118 01:06:11,213 --> 01:06:12,923 - Wait, how did you survive? - Well, let me tell you. 1119 01:06:13,007 --> 01:06:14,758 No, how did you survive the jump? 1120 01:06:14,842 --> 01:06:16,677 I've seen you twist your ankle crossing the street. 1121 01:06:16,760 --> 01:06:21,098 Because on this occasion I landed in something soft. 1122 01:06:21,182 --> 01:06:22,224 - Oh. - So... 1123 01:06:22,308 --> 01:06:23,642 What did you land in? 1124 01:06:23,726 --> 01:06:25,060 - Jam. - Jam. 1125 01:06:25,144 --> 01:06:29,148 It was a barrel of jam. It was a jam factory on fire. 1126 01:06:29,231 --> 01:06:30,733 Probably what attracted the bear in the first place. 1127 01:06:30,816 --> 01:06:33,068 - Right. - You haven't heard of that? 1128 01:06:33,485 --> 01:06:37,114 The burning building, baby, bear, factory, jam incident? 1129 01:06:37,198 --> 01:06:38,324 Shoot, no. 1130 01:06:38,407 --> 01:06:41,202 Yeah, classic. So, I land. 1131 01:06:41,410 --> 01:06:45,206 This bear is coming toward, big, lumbering, eating machine 1132 01:06:45,289 --> 01:06:47,708 like that happy chap over there. 1133 01:06:47,791 --> 01:06:49,752 - What, sleeping, ugly fatty? - Well... 1134 01:06:49,835 --> 01:06:51,962 - He's not happy. - Well, how do you know? 1135 01:06:52,504 --> 01:06:55,508 What do you mean? Look at him. He's a loser. 1136 01:06:56,634 --> 01:06:59,094 MARK: You can't tell that from just looking at the guy. 1137 01:06:59,178 --> 01:07:01,972 He could be the world's greatest poet. 1138 01:07:02,515 --> 01:07:04,475 Well, he probably is a loser. Bad example. 1139 01:07:04,558 --> 01:07:07,978 But I'm saying, it doesn't have to be, just by... 1140 01:07:08,854 --> 01:07:11,524 Okay. What do you see when you see this fellow here? 1141 01:07:11,607 --> 01:07:12,942 ANNA: Short, sweaty, bald guy. 1142 01:07:13,025 --> 01:07:14,485 - Right. - Hi! 1143 01:07:15,236 --> 01:07:16,987 MARK: He's carrying a briefcase. He's in a hurry. 1144 01:07:17,071 --> 01:07:19,698 He's probably off to a really important meeting. 1145 01:07:19,782 --> 01:07:21,951 He's probably a high-powered businessman. 1146 01:07:22,076 --> 01:07:23,869 You see more than I do. 1147 01:07:23,953 --> 01:07:26,539 Well, because, if you look... 1148 01:07:27,623 --> 01:07:29,667 What do you see when you see those guys? 1149 01:07:29,750 --> 01:07:31,168 ANNA: Mmm... 1150 01:07:31,460 --> 01:07:34,964 Two nerdy losers in hats? 1151 01:07:35,130 --> 01:07:38,759 Yeah. Good. Good observational skills. 1152 01:07:38,926 --> 01:07:44,932 But what I mean is, look beyond just their appearance and look at them. 1153 01:07:45,391 --> 01:07:48,185 They're holding hands. They're in love. 1154 01:07:52,356 --> 01:07:54,483 Hey, do me. 1155 01:07:54,859 --> 01:07:58,070 I mean, just what do you see? What do you see in me? 1156 01:07:58,153 --> 01:08:00,447 You're pretty. 1157 01:08:00,906 --> 01:08:02,074 You've got a wonderful smile. 1158 01:08:02,157 --> 01:08:05,661 - Well, that's what everyone sees. - I wasn't finished. 1159 01:08:06,579 --> 01:08:09,748 You're the sweetest, most caring person I know. 1160 01:08:09,874 --> 01:08:13,043 And you've got a freckle there I've never told you about how much I love. 1161 01:08:13,127 --> 01:08:14,920 You usually smile, 1162 01:08:15,004 --> 01:08:18,716 but sometimes you spend your day in bed, eating and crying. 1163 01:08:18,799 --> 01:08:21,969 You'll hold someone's hand after their mum... 1164 01:08:24,972 --> 01:08:28,142 You're the most wonderful person I've ever met. 1165 01:08:32,813 --> 01:08:35,441 What do you see when you look at me? 1166 01:08:40,738 --> 01:08:43,532 You're chubby and you have a snub nose. 1167 01:08:45,326 --> 01:08:46,994 Yeah. That's about it. 1168 01:08:47,203 --> 01:08:48,913 (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) 1169 01:08:52,791 --> 01:08:54,293 You're smart. 1170 01:08:56,337 --> 01:08:57,796 You're kind. 1171 01:08:58,672 --> 01:09:01,425 You're the sweetest man I've ever met. 1172 01:09:02,218 --> 01:09:06,055 You are definitely the most interesting person I know. 1173 01:09:06,222 --> 01:09:08,390 And you are fun to be with. 1174 01:09:09,058 --> 01:09:11,435 And you see the world in a way that nobody else sees the world, 1175 01:09:11,519 --> 01:09:14,271 and I like the way you see the world. 1176 01:09:15,105 --> 01:09:17,274 And you're my best friend. 1177 01:09:17,733 --> 01:09:21,028 You make me happier than anyone I've ever known. 1178 01:09:29,662 --> 01:09:32,498 - Why can't we be together, then? - Because of the whole genetics thing. 1179 01:09:32,581 --> 01:09:35,042 Little fat kids with snub noses. 1180 01:09:38,462 --> 01:09:42,883 It's a shame that being rich and famous doesn't change your genetics. 1181 01:09:44,468 --> 01:09:46,262 Because I love you. 1182 01:09:49,682 --> 01:09:53,394 Does being rich and famous change your genetic material? 1183 01:10:01,110 --> 01:10:02,194 No. 1184 01:10:02,736 --> 01:10:07,533 It doesn't. Our kids would be little fat things with snub noses. 1185 01:10:13,747 --> 01:10:16,417 BOB: (ON RADIO) Thanks for that, Jim. Next up, Mark Bellison. 1186 01:10:16,500 --> 01:10:17,543 Does he deserve all the money and fame 1187 01:10:17,626 --> 01:10:20,713 or is he just some fat loser who hears things from the man in the sky? 1188 01:10:20,796 --> 01:10:21,964 JIM: I say fat loser, Bob. 1189 01:10:22,047 --> 01:10:24,717 BOB: It's as simple as this, Jim. Just look at the guy. 1190 01:10:24,800 --> 01:10:27,595 He's fat, he's stupid-looking. What else do you need to know? 1191 01:10:28,345 --> 01:10:29,972 JIM: And what about the hundreds of people camping out on his lawn? 1192 01:10:30,055 --> 01:10:32,016 I mean, don't those people have jobs? 1193 01:10:32,099 --> 01:10:33,893 BOB: Maybe they're all fat losers like him. 1194 01:10:33,976 --> 01:10:35,603 (BO TH LAUGHING) 1195 01:10:36,145 --> 01:10:37,605 JIM: Stay tuned, we got weather in five. 1196 01:10:38,856 --> 01:10:39,899 (DOOR OPENS) 1197 01:10:39,982 --> 01:10:42,693 And then write, " The duck flew all the way to Alaska to meet up 1198 01:10:42,776 --> 01:10:43,861 (DOOR CLOSES) 1199 01:10:43,944 --> 01:10:46,947 "With his friend who was a polar bear who lived there." 1200 01:10:47,031 --> 01:10:49,283 - "And the polar bear..." - ANNA: How many of these have you had? 1201 01:10:49,366 --> 01:10:51,869 Doesn't matter. Uh..."The end." 1202 01:10:52,661 --> 01:10:55,289 - That's a strange ending. - It is, isn't it? 1203 01:10:55,372 --> 01:10:57,291 And you want me to take this over to Lecture Films? 1204 01:10:57,374 --> 01:10:58,667 - Yeah. - ASSISTANT: Okay. 1205 01:10:58,751 --> 01:11:00,961 Tell them to film that one this week. 1206 01:11:01,045 --> 01:11:02,254 Okay. 1207 01:11:03,255 --> 01:11:04,924 Tell them it's for kids. 1208 01:11:05,007 --> 01:11:07,009 Kids will love that, won't they? 1209 01:11:07,092 --> 01:11:09,887 Bears and ducks in cars. 1210 01:11:10,971 --> 01:11:13,682 - What's that? - It's a birthday card for you. 1211 01:11:13,766 --> 01:11:15,851 - You want it? - Thank you. 1212 01:11:16,268 --> 01:11:19,063 Oh, I came to tell you that I can't watch a movie with you tonight. 1213 01:11:19,146 --> 01:11:21,273 - Why not? - 'Cause I have a date. 1214 01:11:21,357 --> 01:11:22,942 Who with? 1215 01:11:23,817 --> 01:11:26,445 - Brad Kessler. - Brad Kessler? 1216 01:11:27,071 --> 01:11:30,908 You know what I think of him. I think he is the world's biggest douche bag. 1217 01:11:30,991 --> 01:11:32,618 - To you. Not to me. - Yes. 1218 01:11:32,701 --> 01:11:33,994 He's very sweet and kind to me. 1219 01:11:34,078 --> 01:11:37,456 Well, of course he is. Look at you! A shark would be sweet and kind to you. 1220 01:11:37,540 --> 01:11:39,208 - It would? - No, it wouldn't. 1221 01:11:39,667 --> 01:11:42,336 Do not get in with a shark. It will just... I was just... 1222 01:11:42,419 --> 01:11:45,089 - But don't go out with him. - Why not? 1223 01:11:45,422 --> 01:11:48,467 - Well, he's an excellent match for me. - Well, don't sleep with him. 1224 01:11:48,551 --> 01:11:50,761 - Why not? - What? You were going to? 1225 01:11:50,845 --> 01:11:52,137 If I don't sleep with him, 1226 01:11:52,221 --> 01:11:54,765 then he'll find another acceptable mate who would sleep with him. 1227 01:11:54,849 --> 01:11:56,225 - Then I'll miss out. - No, he won't. 1228 01:11:56,308 --> 01:11:58,477 - Yes. - No, no, no, no, no, no. 1229 01:11:58,561 --> 01:11:59,645 You haven't thought this through. 1230 01:11:59,728 --> 01:12:01,522 Because if I was going out on a date with you... 1231 01:12:01,605 --> 01:12:03,148 And if you were attractive, like Brad. 1232 01:12:03,232 --> 01:12:05,568 Yes. Well, why... 1233 01:12:05,985 --> 01:12:09,613 But I would... I would lose respect for you... 1234 01:12:09,697 --> 01:12:11,866 - Huh? ...if you slept with me on the first date. 1235 01:12:11,949 --> 01:12:13,993 I would because I... 1236 01:12:14,076 --> 01:12:16,287 Just chat, just talk to him, sure. 1237 01:12:16,370 --> 01:12:18,247 But, listen, do not, whatever... 1238 01:12:18,330 --> 01:12:21,709 Let him know what a wonderful person you are just by... 1239 01:12:21,792 --> 01:12:25,337 Verbally, not with... Because he will then go, 1240 01:12:25,462 --> 01:12:28,716 "Oh, I... I want to date her... I want a second date." 1241 01:12:28,799 --> 01:12:30,134 Do not... 1242 01:12:30,467 --> 01:12:35,389 Do not have sex with anyone unless you are married to them 1243 01:12:35,723 --> 01:12:37,183 is the rule. 1244 01:12:38,559 --> 01:12:39,852 Settled. 1245 01:12:41,312 --> 01:12:43,189 - Okay. - Good. 1246 01:12:49,236 --> 01:12:50,404 What's this? 1247 01:12:50,487 --> 01:12:52,531 Birthday coupon for sex. 1248 01:12:54,074 --> 01:12:55,492 (STAMMERING) 1249 01:12:55,576 --> 01:13:00,664 It's a coupon for birthday sex. So it's sex with you 'cause it's my birthday? 1250 01:13:00,748 --> 01:13:02,499 What do you get the man who has everything? 1251 01:13:02,583 --> 01:13:04,001 (CHUCKLES) 1252 01:13:04,585 --> 01:13:06,420 - Sorry. - Forget about it now. Sorry, I didn't know. 1253 01:13:06,504 --> 01:13:09,256 - No, no, no, stop. - We're not married. 1254 01:13:11,842 --> 01:13:13,886 Which is what you just said. 1255 01:13:13,969 --> 01:13:16,972 (IMITATING MARK) Do not sleep with anyone unless you're married to them. 1256 01:13:17,806 --> 01:13:21,519 That's what I said. But hold on, though. What about the coupon? 1257 01:13:21,602 --> 01:13:24,396 - The rule is... - Yes, I know what the rule is. 1258 01:13:24,480 --> 01:13:26,106 So we can't... 1259 01:13:26,190 --> 01:13:28,609 The coupon, it's just such a... 1260 01:13:28,692 --> 01:13:30,152 - Rule. - Such a shame to waste it. 1261 01:13:30,236 --> 01:13:31,529 - But, I mean, you know... - It's too bad. 1262 01:13:31,612 --> 01:13:34,073 (STUTTERING) It is, it is. 1263 01:13:34,156 --> 01:13:36,659 Now I can't redeem sex with this. 1264 01:13:36,992 --> 01:13:40,079 So you'd like what? What am I gonna get you now? 1265 01:13:40,162 --> 01:13:42,540 (CHUCKLES) Can't have sex with you. 1266 01:13:43,165 --> 01:13:45,668 You probably just prefer socks, right? 1267 01:13:45,751 --> 01:13:48,546 Yeah. Shitty little woollen ones, instead of sex. 1268 01:13:48,629 --> 01:13:49,672 BRAD: Hello? 1269 01:13:49,755 --> 01:13:51,465 Oh, he's coming. 1270 01:13:52,466 --> 01:13:54,301 Well, why have you invited him here? 1271 01:13:54,385 --> 01:13:56,262 I didn't. It was his idea. 1272 01:13:56,345 --> 01:13:58,180 I bet it was. It's my house. 1273 01:13:58,514 --> 01:14:00,432 - Anna. - You are so handsome. 1274 01:14:00,516 --> 01:14:02,059 BRAD: I know. 1275 01:14:02,643 --> 01:14:05,771 - Mark. You look like trash. - Oh, your opinion. 1276 01:14:05,855 --> 01:14:07,147 Let's go have some fun. 1277 01:14:07,231 --> 01:14:09,650 - Not too much. - Hey! What are you doing with that? 1278 01:14:09,733 --> 01:14:11,527 That is a coupon for birthday sex. 1279 01:14:11,610 --> 01:14:13,195 - With you? - Yes. 1280 01:14:13,279 --> 01:14:15,406 But he doesn't want it because we're not married. 1281 01:14:15,489 --> 01:14:17,700 - He'd rather have a pair of socks, right? - BRAD: Can I have it? 1282 01:14:17,783 --> 01:14:21,370 Oh, sure. Of course, we'll have to get married to use it. 1283 01:14:21,453 --> 01:14:23,539 Well, maybe we just will. 1284 01:14:24,373 --> 01:14:27,543 Well, don't... I'm not happy for that. What... 1285 01:14:29,795 --> 01:14:31,672 I'll call you later. 1286 01:14:37,386 --> 01:14:38,679 (SIGHS) 1287 01:14:38,929 --> 01:14:39,972 (DOOR CLOSES) 1288 01:14:40,598 --> 01:14:42,349 - I thought we'd celebrate tonight. - Hmm. 1289 01:14:42,433 --> 01:14:44,894 Today I was handed a very impressive promotion. 1290 01:14:44,977 --> 01:14:48,439 Not only am I the head writer of the coveted first century, 1291 01:14:48,522 --> 01:14:51,275 but today I was handed the reins to the 18th, 19th, and 20th centuries. 1292 01:14:51,358 --> 01:14:53,777 - Oh, that is exciting. - It's very, very exciting. 1293 01:14:53,861 --> 01:14:55,362 No other writer's ever had that many centuries, 1294 01:14:55,446 --> 01:14:58,157 let alone four of the most popular ones. 1295 01:14:58,240 --> 01:15:01,076 Mark's never had more than one century. 1296 01:15:01,285 --> 01:15:02,703 Mark also has the man in the sky 1297 01:15:02,786 --> 01:15:04,246 telling him stories no one's ever heard before. 1298 01:15:04,330 --> 01:15:06,665 Yes, but does he look like this? 1299 01:15:06,749 --> 01:15:12,087 Does he have my genetics? My confidence? My charisma? 1300 01:15:13,214 --> 01:15:14,507 - No. - BRAD: No. 1301 01:15:16,050 --> 01:15:17,510 I'm gonna send that bottle back. 1302 01:15:17,593 --> 01:15:21,722 Not because it's turned, but because I want to appear discerning and powerful. 1303 01:15:21,805 --> 01:15:22,932 Yes, sir. 1304 01:15:23,015 --> 01:15:24,517 Also, I think we're ready to order. 1305 01:15:24,600 --> 01:15:27,478 She will have the small Caesar salad because I don't want her to get fat. 1306 01:15:27,561 --> 01:15:30,856 And I will have the filet, rare, because it's expensive, 1307 01:15:30,940 --> 01:15:33,526 it tastes good, and I'm important. 1308 01:15:33,859 --> 01:15:34,944 Excellent. 1309 01:15:35,027 --> 01:15:38,656 I understand why you want me to have the small Caesar salad, but I am very hungry. 1310 01:15:38,739 --> 01:15:41,825 - Maybe we could add some chicken. - BRAD: No, no, no, no, no. 1311 01:15:41,909 --> 01:15:44,745 We both know that one day you're going to lose your looks. 1312 01:15:44,828 --> 01:15:47,748 You know, get old, wrinkly, ugly. 1313 01:15:48,541 --> 01:15:52,461 Why throw a weight problem on top of it with delicious, fatty chicken? 1314 01:15:52,545 --> 01:15:54,129 Of course not. 1315 01:15:56,048 --> 01:15:57,591 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 1316 01:15:57,675 --> 01:16:00,719 Oh, I'm sorry. That must be my mom calling to check on our date. 1317 01:16:00,803 --> 01:16:03,180 She's very controlling and impatient. 1318 01:16:03,264 --> 01:16:04,557 Let me talk to her. 1319 01:16:04,682 --> 01:16:06,559 (STUTTERING) Okay. 1320 01:16:07,643 --> 01:16:09,270 (CLEARS THROAT) 1321 01:16:09,436 --> 01:16:12,231 Anna's mom, you're on with Brad Kessler. 1322 01:16:12,314 --> 01:16:15,192 - Yes, your daughter looks beautiful. - Ah! 1323 01:16:15,359 --> 01:16:18,112 No, she hasn't blown it by boring me. 1324 01:16:22,491 --> 01:16:24,785 Okay, you're annoying me now. 1325 01:16:25,077 --> 01:16:27,162 Your voice is shrill. Goodbye. 1326 01:16:27,246 --> 01:16:28,455 Sorry. 1327 01:16:32,334 --> 01:16:33,752 Thank you. 1328 01:16:43,637 --> 01:16:44,722 Mmm! 1329 01:16:45,181 --> 01:16:47,933 You know, you are a near perfect match for me, 1330 01:16:48,017 --> 01:16:51,228 physically, genetically, socially, economically. 1331 01:16:52,188 --> 01:16:53,230 I agree. 1332 01:16:53,314 --> 01:16:54,857 And a large part of me just wants to bag you 1333 01:16:54,940 --> 01:16:56,901 because Mark's in love with you and I enjoy watching him fail. 1334 01:16:56,984 --> 01:16:59,486 Why do you hate Mark so much? He's a really good friend of mine. 1335 01:16:59,570 --> 01:17:00,821 Because he's a loser. 1336 01:17:00,905 --> 01:17:04,617 I'm the one who should be living in a mansion and talking to the man in the sky. 1337 01:17:06,410 --> 01:17:09,413 But I can have the one thing that he can't. 1338 01:17:09,622 --> 01:17:10,873 - You. - Ah! 1339 01:17:11,207 --> 01:17:12,958 Because you are sensible. 1340 01:17:13,125 --> 01:17:15,211 You want to marry a strong genetic match 1341 01:17:15,294 --> 01:17:18,506 and maybe one day have children that aren't... 1342 01:17:18,923 --> 01:17:21,342 Little fat kids with snub noses. 1343 01:17:22,384 --> 01:17:23,677 Exactly. 1344 01:17:24,220 --> 01:17:25,763 Exactly. Yeah. 1345 01:17:30,809 --> 01:17:32,645 (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) 1346 01:17:41,779 --> 01:17:44,823 MAN: The man in the sky, in his infinite wisdom, 1347 01:17:44,907 --> 01:17:49,578 has told us that we can do two bad things and still get into our mansion. 1348 01:17:49,662 --> 01:17:50,704 So I say to you... 1349 01:17:50,788 --> 01:17:54,416 No. I won't move into your mansion with you when we die. You're really smothering me. 1350 01:17:54,500 --> 01:17:58,087 The more you push me away, the more attracted I am to you. 1351 01:17:58,170 --> 01:18:00,089 Out of the way, fatty! 1352 01:18:00,464 --> 01:18:02,007 Hey, you're Mark Bellison. 1353 01:18:02,091 --> 01:18:04,009 Yeah. You gonna apologise? 1354 01:18:04,093 --> 01:18:05,427 For what? 1355 01:18:23,028 --> 01:18:25,155 - Who wants another drink? - Yeah, please. 1356 01:18:25,239 --> 01:18:26,824 I'll take one. 1357 01:18:28,534 --> 01:18:29,827 Thanks. 1358 01:18:31,120 --> 01:18:32,538 What's going on? 1359 01:18:32,621 --> 01:18:34,540 What, I can't be depressed 1360 01:18:34,623 --> 01:18:37,710 'cause I've got a big house and loads of money? 1361 01:18:37,793 --> 01:18:39,837 What about you guys? Are you happier, at least? 1362 01:18:39,920 --> 01:18:41,672 Since the man in the sky? 1363 01:18:41,755 --> 01:18:44,133 - Yeah, definitely. - Very happy. 1364 01:18:44,216 --> 01:18:46,677 Are you still lonely? Have you found someone yet? 1365 01:18:46,760 --> 01:18:49,388 - Uh, no, I kind of gave up on that. - Why? 1366 01:18:49,471 --> 01:18:54,476 Well, because I was thinking that if I get eternal happiness when I die, 1367 01:18:54,935 --> 01:18:58,439 that'll be really great because it's eternal, 1368 01:18:58,522 --> 01:19:00,524 you know, so you can't really beat that. 1369 01:19:00,608 --> 01:19:02,902 So I'm just really happy that that's gonna happen. 1370 01:19:02,985 --> 01:19:05,946 So until then I think I'm just gonna stick with the alcohol 1371 01:19:06,030 --> 01:19:10,910 and my little apartment and just kind of hang out by myself and drink and watch TV. 1372 01:19:11,202 --> 01:19:16,040 That doesn't sound like a happy life. That sounds like a long, miserable one. 1373 01:19:16,123 --> 01:19:20,127 Well, no, it won't be that long, because the more I drink, the faster I'll die. 1374 01:19:20,211 --> 01:19:22,171 And I'm just waiting for that mansion, you know? 1375 01:19:22,254 --> 01:19:24,590 That's what I'm talking about. 1376 01:19:25,466 --> 01:19:26,842 Brilliant. 1377 01:19:29,470 --> 01:19:31,847 INTERVIEWER: You call him on the phone, on a telephone? 1378 01:19:31,931 --> 01:19:34,141 No, I just... He's speaking to me now. 1379 01:19:34,225 --> 01:19:35,851 - Is he saying something? - He is, yeah. 1380 01:19:35,935 --> 01:19:37,645 Well, would you please tell us what he's saying? 1381 01:19:37,728 --> 01:19:39,605 He's saying, "Why are you speaking to that idiot?" 1382 01:19:39,688 --> 01:19:41,649 And I'm saying back, "I'll give him a chance..." 1383 01:19:41,732 --> 01:19:44,151 There's got to be something better on TV than this. 1384 01:19:44,235 --> 01:19:46,695 Oh, wait, Mom, don't change it. That's my very good friend. 1385 01:19:46,779 --> 01:19:50,366 Oh, please. I know all your friends, and they're nothing like that. 1386 01:19:50,449 --> 01:19:51,492 What's that supposed to mean? 1387 01:19:51,575 --> 01:19:54,703 It means just because he's talking to the man in the sky 1388 01:19:54,787 --> 01:19:57,998 doesn't make him good enough to be your friend. 1389 01:19:59,750 --> 01:20:02,378 What if I wanted him to be more than just my friend? 1390 01:20:02,461 --> 01:20:04,421 Man in the sky forbid. 1391 01:20:04,588 --> 01:20:06,215 It would make no sense. 1392 01:20:06,298 --> 01:20:09,176 Mark Bellison is who the man in the sky chose to speak through, 1393 01:20:09,260 --> 01:20:11,178 but that doesn't change the fact that he's still a loser 1394 01:20:11,303 --> 01:20:12,638 and your kids would be, too. 1395 01:20:12,721 --> 01:20:15,307 - Well, he is more than just that. - There's nothing more than that. 1396 01:20:15,391 --> 01:20:18,310 Losers are losers. That's all they'll ever be. 1397 01:20:18,394 --> 01:20:19,728 He is... 1398 01:20:21,021 --> 01:20:25,609 He's smart, he's funny, and he's kind, and he is loving. 1399 01:20:26,443 --> 01:20:30,531 And he makes me feel special. He makes me happy. 1400 01:20:30,614 --> 01:20:33,909 You are going to be with the person who's right for you, 1401 01:20:33,993 --> 01:20:36,453 the person who'll give you the kids you've always wanted. 1402 01:20:36,537 --> 01:20:38,664 Someone like Brad Kessler. 1403 01:20:39,707 --> 01:20:41,917 Hello, Brad. One moment. 1404 01:20:43,502 --> 01:20:46,589 - Speak to him. Don't blow this. - (WHISPERING) Mom! 1405 01:20:51,093 --> 01:20:52,136 Hello. 1406 01:20:56,223 --> 01:20:57,558 Hi, Brad. 1407 01:21:07,568 --> 01:21:09,236 MARK: I miss you, Mum. 1408 01:21:11,280 --> 01:21:13,365 I know you can't hear me. 1409 01:21:13,991 --> 01:21:17,328 I know you're not up there in a mansion. 1410 01:21:18,454 --> 01:21:21,165 You're right here in the ground. 1411 01:21:22,583 --> 01:21:26,045 And I'm the only person in the world who knows that. 1412 01:21:27,546 --> 01:21:29,173 And I'm not happy. 1413 01:21:29,256 --> 01:21:31,175 I did all this, but... 1414 01:21:32,259 --> 01:21:34,303 I'm not happy because 1415 01:21:36,013 --> 01:21:39,016 no one listens to what they really want. 1416 01:21:41,936 --> 01:21:44,480 That's why I'll always be a loser. 1417 01:21:46,023 --> 01:21:48,442 That's why I'll always be alone. 1418 01:22:15,928 --> 01:22:17,638 (DOORBELL RINGS) 1419 01:22:19,139 --> 01:22:20,641 (MARK GROANS) 1420 01:22:46,750 --> 01:22:47,960 Mark. 1421 01:22:49,670 --> 01:22:51,338 You look awful. 1422 01:22:54,091 --> 01:22:55,676 Can I come in? 1423 01:22:57,011 --> 01:22:59,805 - Haven't seen you much lately. - Yeah, I know. 1424 01:23:00,181 --> 01:23:03,184 I've been busy with work and things and... 1425 01:23:04,518 --> 01:23:08,314 Also, I tried calling you and you never answer your phone. 1426 01:23:11,442 --> 01:23:14,236 - Did you know I was getting married? - Yeah, I heard. 1427 01:23:15,738 --> 01:23:20,576 That's why I came over here, actually. I wanted to give you this invitation. 1428 01:23:27,458 --> 01:23:28,959 Don't do it. 1429 01:23:29,251 --> 01:23:30,920 The wedding is tomorrow. 1430 01:23:31,003 --> 01:23:33,088 Please, don't marry him. 1431 01:23:36,675 --> 01:23:39,678 - I hope you'll come. - (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Why? 1432 01:23:42,473 --> 01:23:44,850 Because it would make me happy. 1433 01:23:46,852 --> 01:23:48,562 Being around you makes me happy. 1434 01:23:48,646 --> 01:23:49,939 Then why are you marrying him? 1435 01:23:50,022 --> 01:23:54,026 I only have a certain amount of time that I can find my ideal genetic partner, 1436 01:23:54,109 --> 01:23:56,445 have the children that I've always wanted. 1437 01:23:57,613 --> 01:23:59,198 You know that. 1438 01:24:02,576 --> 01:24:04,119 One day, Mark, 1439 01:24:05,162 --> 01:24:09,667 I'll be wrinkly and old, ugly. 1440 01:24:09,834 --> 01:24:12,127 No, you won't. Not to me. 1441 01:24:17,550 --> 01:24:19,426 You'll never be ugly. 1442 01:24:21,720 --> 01:24:23,556 You're confusing me. 1443 01:24:31,605 --> 01:24:34,984 - Please take this. - Have a nice life. 1444 01:24:35,484 --> 01:24:36,735 (SOBS) 1445 01:25:08,976 --> 01:25:10,936 BOY: Enjoying your ice cream, you fat loser? 1446 01:25:11,020 --> 01:25:12,438 (LAUGHING) 1447 01:25:13,189 --> 01:25:14,648 (BOYS LAUGHING) 1448 01:25:14,899 --> 01:25:16,025 Stop that! 1449 01:25:19,320 --> 01:25:21,697 It's okay. Forget about them. 1450 01:25:24,909 --> 01:25:26,410 What's your name? 1451 01:25:26,493 --> 01:25:28,162 Short Fat Brian. 1452 01:25:29,872 --> 01:25:32,208 Well, Brian. 1453 01:25:36,086 --> 01:25:39,632 You are so much more than just short and fat. 1454 01:25:44,303 --> 01:25:47,223 See? You're Brian with the Great Smile. 1455 01:25:48,766 --> 01:25:50,059 Thanks. 1456 01:25:56,649 --> 01:25:58,692 (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) 1457 01:26:00,069 --> 01:26:01,445 GREG: Ow! 1458 01:26:05,491 --> 01:26:06,659 Greg! 1459 01:26:06,867 --> 01:26:08,327 GREG: Sorry! 1460 01:26:08,744 --> 01:26:10,579 Keep the noise down. 1461 01:26:11,580 --> 01:26:13,207 Fat, ginger... 1462 01:26:13,791 --> 01:26:15,584 (PLASTIC RUSTLING) 1463 01:26:16,168 --> 01:26:17,461 Shut up! 1464 01:26:56,250 --> 01:26:58,377 You haven't lost yet, man. 1465 01:27:08,596 --> 01:27:10,514 (CHURCH BELL TOLLING) 1466 01:27:29,909 --> 01:27:30,951 BRAD: Ah! 1467 01:27:31,035 --> 01:27:32,995 (ORGAN PLAYING) 1468 01:28:08,489 --> 01:28:09,698 Loser. 1469 01:28:12,076 --> 01:28:15,704 We are here today, sitting in this building, 1470 01:28:15,788 --> 01:28:18,082 to share in the wedding of Brad and Anna, 1471 01:28:18,165 --> 01:28:20,459 two attractive young people 1472 01:28:20,668 --> 01:28:25,339 who have come to the conclusion that this wedding will be mutually beneficial, 1473 01:28:25,422 --> 01:28:30,219 that their genetic match-up will be most likely to produce favourable offspring 1474 01:28:30,302 --> 01:28:34,849 and a lifetime of financial stability and physical security. 1475 01:28:36,517 --> 01:28:41,105 Brad, do you agree to stay with Anna for as long as you want to 1476 01:28:41,438 --> 01:28:43,941 and to protect your offspring for as long as you can? 1477 01:28:44,316 --> 01:28:45,484 I do. 1478 01:28:46,110 --> 01:28:50,447 And Anna, do you agree to stay with Brad for as long as you want to 1479 01:28:50,531 --> 01:28:54,076 and to protect your offspring for as long as you can? 1480 01:29:00,749 --> 01:29:01,959 I do. 1481 01:29:02,626 --> 01:29:08,174 Before I pronounce these two man and wife, is there anyone here in this building 1482 01:29:08,257 --> 01:29:12,011 who believes they offer a better genetic match-up to either party? 1483 01:29:18,142 --> 01:29:19,226 Me. 1484 01:29:19,310 --> 01:29:20,936 (GUESTS MURMURING) 1485 01:29:21,729 --> 01:29:23,147 Oh, come on, Mark. 1486 01:29:23,230 --> 01:29:27,193 I mean, look at you. How can you possibly be better than me? 1487 01:29:27,568 --> 01:29:29,278 Because she's happy with me. 1488 01:29:29,361 --> 01:29:32,907 If she were happy with you, what is she doing standing up here with me? 1489 01:29:32,990 --> 01:29:36,202 She thinks her kids deserve the best possible start in life. 1490 01:29:36,285 --> 01:29:37,620 And she's right. 1491 01:29:37,703 --> 01:29:40,414 Yeah. And do you know what that makes you? 1492 01:29:40,498 --> 01:29:41,707 You're a sperm donor. 1493 01:29:41,790 --> 01:29:42,958 (CHUCKLING) 1494 01:29:43,042 --> 01:29:44,502 (GUESTS MURMURING) 1495 01:29:44,960 --> 01:29:46,837 She's my best friend. 1496 01:29:47,880 --> 01:29:49,507 I thought I was your best friend. 1497 01:29:49,590 --> 01:29:51,383 Not now. Let's... 1498 01:29:53,844 --> 01:29:55,429 And I love her. 1499 01:29:56,555 --> 01:29:58,098 Don't do this. 1500 01:29:58,390 --> 01:29:59,892 Don't do it. 1501 01:30:01,185 --> 01:30:03,521 Is this what you really want? 1502 01:30:03,854 --> 01:30:05,272 It's the way of the world, Mark. 1503 01:30:05,356 --> 01:30:08,234 Why? Why does it have to be? 1504 01:30:08,859 --> 01:30:10,778 Who says your kids will be better than mine? 1505 01:30:10,861 --> 01:30:14,990 Who says that a strong jawline or a fast metabolism or a muscular physique... 1506 01:30:15,074 --> 01:30:16,283 He's also taller. 1507 01:30:16,367 --> 01:30:18,369 No, I know, but I'm just... 1508 01:30:19,828 --> 01:30:21,580 Please, man, I... 1509 01:30:22,998 --> 01:30:26,085 Who says those traits will make your kids better than mine, or happier? 1510 01:30:26,168 --> 01:30:27,795 I'll love our children. 1511 01:30:27,878 --> 01:30:28,963 And who says you'll make a better husband 1512 01:30:29,046 --> 01:30:32,091 just because you come from a more privileged family 1513 01:30:32,174 --> 01:30:34,301 or a better genetic line? 1514 01:30:34,760 --> 01:30:36,053 (SIGHS) 1515 01:30:36,262 --> 01:30:39,890 She's a prize on your arm. And your kids will be, too. 1516 01:30:41,308 --> 01:30:42,518 Anna. 1517 01:30:44,186 --> 01:30:47,690 If you tell me this is what you really want, I'll go. 1518 01:30:50,901 --> 01:30:51,986 Is this what you really want? 1519 01:30:52,069 --> 01:30:54,738 Well, now, it's not up to us to decide what we get in life. 1520 01:30:54,822 --> 01:30:58,450 - That's up to the man in the sky. - I'm talking to her. 1521 01:30:59,535 --> 01:31:02,663 Why don't you just ask the man in the sky what he wants for Anna? 1522 01:31:02,746 --> 01:31:05,457 - Surely he knows best. - She knows what's best. 1523 01:31:05,541 --> 01:31:07,668 Just tell her what the man in the sky wants, Mark. 1524 01:31:07,751 --> 01:31:11,672 Why don't you tell me what the man in the sky wants for us, Mark? 1525 01:31:11,755 --> 01:31:13,632 Just please tell me. 1526 01:31:14,842 --> 01:31:16,177 (SCOFFS) 1527 01:31:16,427 --> 01:31:17,553 No. 1528 01:31:25,019 --> 01:31:26,770 (GUESTS MURMURING) 1529 01:31:28,856 --> 01:31:30,149 (SIGHS) 1530 01:31:33,360 --> 01:31:34,403 Are we married yet? 1531 01:31:34,486 --> 01:31:37,114 - Because I have plans later. - There's a few... 1532 01:32:02,806 --> 01:32:04,517 ANNA: Mark, wait! 1533 01:32:06,310 --> 01:32:10,105 Why don't you just tell me what the man in the sky wants? 1534 01:32:11,398 --> 01:32:13,234 - I did a bad thing. - It's okay. 1535 01:32:13,317 --> 01:32:16,654 - You're allowed three. - No, you don't understand. 1536 01:32:18,864 --> 01:32:21,033 There is no man in the sky. 1537 01:32:25,204 --> 01:32:27,373 Why did you say there was? 1538 01:32:30,000 --> 01:32:34,004 I couldn't stand the look on my mum's face when she was dying. 1539 01:32:34,296 --> 01:32:36,924 And things just escalated. 1540 01:32:39,426 --> 01:32:42,388 But how did you say something that wasn't? 1541 01:32:42,471 --> 01:32:45,599 I don't know, I just did. I just can. 1542 01:32:46,058 --> 01:32:48,185 But when I asked you if being rich 1543 01:32:48,269 --> 01:32:51,564 and successful and famous changed your genetics, 1544 01:32:51,939 --> 01:32:54,191 why didn't you just say yes? 1545 01:32:55,317 --> 01:32:57,403 'Cause it wouldn't count. 1546 01:33:00,322 --> 01:33:01,490 Mark. 1547 01:33:04,368 --> 01:33:05,703 I know what I want. 1548 01:33:05,786 --> 01:33:07,079 (SIGHS) 1549 01:33:10,249 --> 01:33:13,043 I want little fat kids with snub noses. 1550 01:33:20,467 --> 01:33:22,011 I'm your man. 1551 01:33:35,357 --> 01:33:37,985 MARK: So that's it. I got the girl. 1552 01:33:38,527 --> 01:33:41,739 Anna and I are very happy together, by the way. 1553 01:33:41,822 --> 01:33:45,534 She still doesn't fully understand how I said or did all those things. 1554 01:33:45,618 --> 01:33:49,455 No one does. I'm still the only person who can tell a lie. 1555 01:33:49,580 --> 01:33:52,750 Actually, that's not entirely true. 1556 01:33:55,669 --> 01:33:57,463 What do you think? 1557 01:33:58,964 --> 01:34:00,674 That looks good. 1558 01:34:03,469 --> 01:34:05,596 It tastes so good, Mommy. 1559 01:34:05,971 --> 01:34:08,891 - Your best yet. - I'm so glad you like it. 1560 01:34:09,350 --> 01:34:10,893 Huh? Oh. 1561 01:34:15,689 --> 01:34:17,942 I don't know where to start. 1562 01:34:18,442 --> 01:34:22,780 Just start on the bread, maybe, then work my way up there. 1563 01:34:23,322 --> 01:34:27,701 You eat that. You liked it so much. Why don't you eat some more? 1564 01:34:29,495 --> 01:34:30,579 He loves it.